Alphonso Anthony “Lucky Antny” Prosciutto-58.
Lucky Antny “passed away” recently, after a brief illness caused by multiple gunshots to the head, midsection, legs, and backside. Plus, one shot missed. Mr. Prosciutto was found in a dumpster, with his tongue removed, and a rat in his mouth. He was a devoted son that never married, as he could never receive his mother’s approval for a wife worthy of him. In lieu of flowers, donation should be sent to Siciliano Pizza, c/o “the back room.”
Leonard Skelowski- 77
Funeral services will be held Monday at 7 P.M., at the Watchelewski and Sziliczyk Funeral home.
“Lenny,” was a devoted family man, although he spent most holidays at the track.
Donations will be accepted, in the hopes that some of his gambling debts can be settled. The family hopes that his creditors will consider forgiving “the vig.”
Patrick Michael Flanagan-66
Funeral services have been delayed for Mr. Flanagan indefinitely.
The crematorium fears a wildfire, until more alcohol has time to evaporate from the remains.
Brendan’s Irish Pub plans to continue the wake, until either Pat dries out, or the family tab gets out of hand. The singing of Danny Boy will continue unabated.
Mr. Flanagan’s “fiancé” has requested that mourners discontinue stopping by his home to pick up mementoes.
If anyone knows where his kids are, it is requested that they be told of the sad news, although “there is nothing in it for them,” according to his fiancé.
William D. Fry, local attorney and noted sorehead. 61
Mr. Fry passed away quite suddenly Tuesday, after being clobbered relentlessly by an entire jury.
Mr. Fry is best known for the marquee type sign outside of his office, which read, “You’re not above the law, but I am.”
His ninth ex-wife is offering $50 to anyone willing to mourn, and $75 to pallbearer’s.
In lieu of flowers, his sixth ex-wife suggests that you keep the money.
Mickey Lombardo- Bounty Hunter and Saxophonist
Mickey “Don’t call me Guy,” Lombardo, had his final wishes fulfilled, when a jealous husband shot him, at age 97.
Mr. Lombardo outlived all five of his wives, and was quoted as saying “sometimes that was harder to pull off than others.”
A beloved father, grandfather, great-grandfather, great-great-grandfather, and godfather to many, he will be missed most by the ladies in their twenties, that called him “Uncle.”
In lieu of flowers, it was his wish that copies of the T.V. show, The Soprano’s, be sent to underprivileged children.
Jonathon Applewoodberry- local rich person, 84
Mr. Applewoodberry, who never worked a day in his life, passed away recently from unknown causes.
He died in his sleep, at Applewoodberry Estates, dressed in his foxing outfit, complete with hat. His beloved riding crop was nearby.
A noted philanthropist, Mr. Applewoodberry was the founder of the “Hounds for the Homeless” Foundation, which gives indigent people a chance to “run with the dogs, in clean country air,” at many Foxing events.
In lieu of flowers, the family has requested cash. (No personal checks.)
The family is still trying to honor Jonathon’s wishes to be buried with his beloved dog, “Mr. Spittles IV”, even though the canine appears to be in good health.
According to his family, that shouldn’t matter, citing their extreme wealth and love for animals.
Oonah, Wisconsin-The Heart of America’s Dairyland. (AP) – Years of missteps, and repeated failures, based mostly on the infusion of chocolate to cow feed, are now over. Agricultural scientists have developed a method to inject chocolate, through intravenous feeding tubes, directly into the glaxillium modi of bovines. This yields chocolate milk, delivered from the cow’s udder.
Scientists here trumpet this breakthrough as a tremendous time and labor-saver, particularly for the mother’s of young children. The Institute for Chocolate Milk Research, in Hershey, Pa., estimates that children under the age of eight consume 2.584 billion gallons of chocolate milk annually, most of which is made using the time consuming “hand-mix” method.
O.K., I admit it. That’s all a load of crap that I made up. Pretty good though, huh? I even invented the words “glaxillium modi.” A little Latin always makes things sound official.
This next bit, however, is real. I cut and pasted it directly from an online newspaper article.
Jan 20, 7:40 AM EST
Scientist Develops Caffeinated Doughnuts
DURHAM. N.C. (AP) — That cup of coffee just not getting it done anymore? How about a Buzz Donut or a Buzzed Bagel? That’s what Doctor Robert Bohannon, a Durham, North Carolina, molecular scientist, has come up with. Bohannon says he’s developed a way to add caffeine to baked goods, without the bitter taste of caffeine. Each piece of pastry is the equivalent of about two cups of coffee.
Is it just me, or is this silly? From a very personal standpoint, I object to the words “without the bitter taste of caffeine.” I look forward to the taste of my morning coffee. Plus, I think that they know that we will pick-up on the obvious labor-savings, even if they don’t say it outright. We, the lazy, no longer have to dunk our doughnut into coffee. They have already done it for us.
And I thought that we had reached the zenith, when we could buy our lettuce all cut up and put into little baggies.
I’m hoping for more of these technological breakthroughs If I knew any molecular scientist’s, I would encourage them to work on the following things, to further save us from our life of drudgery.
–Peel-less bananas.
-Little carton’s of milk, with ¼” of Oreo sludge already on the bottom.
-Vodka flavored ice.
-Garlic, with just a hint of mouthwash.
-Cigarette flavored coffee, for that perfect after-dinner beverage.
I am also working on a list of other labor-saving devices that are necessary if we are going to have any leisure time at all. For instance, when are they going to finally come up with a T.V. that automatically switches to the station that I am thinking of? I’m getting a bad case of “remote control thumb.”
10. When you are invited to a party, never ask what you can bring, and never bring anything. Ask the host if you can “take some of that spinach dip home.”
9. Use your dead grandmother’s handicapped placard to get a good parking spot.
Samuel Holloway looked out the window, at nothing in particular.
1. Beginning at birth, tell your child that they are “Special…more special than the rest.”
2. Send them to a preschool that keeps them away from “the poor people.”
3. Beginning in kindergarten, and lasting until high school, this should be how kids get on the bus in the morning: First, you have to drive them to the bus stop, even if it’s twelve feet away. Once the bus arrives, get out the car and un-strap them yourself. Kiss them at least three times. Once they finally get out of the car, help them on with their book bag. Instruct them to “walk don’t run.” Walk to the bus and tell the driver not to move until he or she is comfortably in their seat. Stand, wave and blow kisses when the bus finally leaves, completely unaware of the thirty-eight cars that are held up. They are just good people trying to get to work.
4. Always tell them to “Make good choices” without saying what they are.
5. Whenever their homework is difficult, do it for them. Use the Internet if necessary.
6. Attend every Parent-Teacher conference with a list of complaints and suggestions. Don’t let the teacher talk at all, as they might bring up something that needs improvement.
7. Be certain that they only take part in sports activities where everyone is a winner, and gets a trophy.
8. Teach them all of your political principles. Let them know that “We are Republicans” or “We are Democrats” and that’s just the way it is.Discourage thought or discussion on the topic.
9. Select their college for them. Do not ask for their opinion. Pay for all of it.
10. Be certain that they always have the latest cell phone. When they are sixteen, buy them a new Volvo and pay for the insurance.
11. Their allowance should be high enough for them to be able to buy drugs.
12. Read their diary, go through their room constantly. Let them know that you do this for their own good. This will teach them how to conceal things at an early age.
13. Have talks with them about sex and drugs. Keep it very superficial. Be sure to tell them that you know that they are a “good boy or good girl,” but that you are suspicious of their friends.
14. Supply them with condoms and other birth control. Do it without conversation.
15. Constantly run down their friends, as being “not good enough for them.”
16. Be sure they never have to walk anywhere.
17. Tell them that they shouldn’t get a job in high school so that they can focus on their studies. Ignore the fact that they spend four hours a day texting, watching YouTube or playing video games.
18. Always ask them “what the cool kids are wearing.” Pick out all of their clothes for them. Don’t express anger when they won’t wear them, or rip holes in $60.00 jeans.
19. Assure them it is OK to pierce their face, get tattoos and turn their hair purple as a way to “express themselves.” Be unaware that they are trying to engage in normal adolescent rebellion, forcing them to raise the bar to something like an overdose.
20. After college, provide a summer-long trip to Europe or Asia so they can “find themselves.”
21. Encourage them to hold out for a job that is worthy of them. While holding out they should live at home for free, and have your credit card. Ignore the fact that they spend eight hours a day texting, watching YouTube, or playing video games.
22. When they create a kid out of wedlock, raise the child for them. Tell them that the other party is unsuitable and ban them from your home.
23. Set Play Dates for your children, up to age 18. Also, attend every birthday party with them, and constantly remind all of the children of the “No Roughhousing” rule.”Roughhousing” is the inclusive word for normal behavior by children.
24. Be available always, and at a moments notice, to stop what you are doing and drive your child somewhere. If necessary, wait around for up to ninety minutes, to drive them back home.
Finding a little extra time on your hands at this time of the year? Here are a few suggestions.
10. Say to the wife, “Anything I can help out with around here?” That should hold you until bedtime.
9. At 1 PM on Sunday, put on your Eagles shirt and hat. (Your Eagles helmet won’t work for this). Start reading your worn copy of “Football 28 hours a day” by Dick Vermiel. Try it again at 4 PM.
8. Drag out your cassette tape of “The Best of the Buddy Ryan Show.”
7. Calculate how many days until pitchers and catchers report.
6.Call your Dad and ask him to tell you the Sonny Jurgensen stories…again. Feigning interest will help him to segue into the “Concrete Charlie” stuff.
5. Drag out your entire lifetime fleet of Eagles memorabilia. After dusting and Lemon Pledging it, put everything into fresh zippered freezer bags. Mark the bags “Do not open until Super Bowl.” Be sure to date it.
4. Play a boardgame with your kids. Actually, just kidding. Spend a few hours trying to talk your kids into playing a game of Chutes and Ladders with you.
3. Make a list of things that you can say to drive your wife crazy. Include things like “Say honey, what are the dates for the flower show this year?
2. Call your buddies, suggesting you get together for a game of touch football. Their excuses should use up a major part of a weekend.
1. Work on your Merrill Reese impersonation. If you can’t get it, try imitating Joe Conklin imitating Merrill Reese.
When Walt built Disneyland, he overlooked something. Disneyland is truly a great vacation spot for parents and their young children. Once the kids become teenagers though, it is just another place for them to be miserable. Plus, it’s an awfully expensive place for them to miserable. They complain about the long lines, and call everything stupid, gay, or disgusting. They continuously whine that there are no computers so that they can go on Facebook. They miss their skateboards, and the games where they can pretend to be drug dealers, and “waste cops.” They spend a great deal of time with their nose against their cell phones.
Since you can’t keep them in strollers anymore, it hard to stop them from sneaking up behind Mickey and trying to sit his ears on fire.
Fortunately, I have the solution. If I can get the funding, construction will begin soon, on DennisLand. Here is the plan.
You check in as a family, at a five-star hotel. The parents get a huge and elegant suite, with one king-sized bed. There are no beds for the kids. There are indoor and outdoor pools, saunas, restaurants, and nine different bars. Included in the price is access to the golf course and the riding stables. Upon check in, each kid gets something like a credit card, where all of their charges will be added to your room. You won’t care, because you are about to see the last of them for the rest of your vacation. Let’s face it; they don’t want to be with you any more than you want to put up with them.
The kids are taken from you immediately, and they board a bus to the adjoining buildings. Although they are connected, it is impossible for them to get back to the hotel. That is a promise.
The section of DennisLand that’s for the kids, looks exactly like a Mall. Teenagers are happiest in this setting. Upon entry, each kid is given a skateboard, and a smart phone. Whoopee cushions are optional.
Walking is prohibited, and you have to talk on the cell phone constantly, even if the person that you want to talk to is five feet away.
There are only three different stores in the mall. There is a McDonald’s, a clothes store that only sells black clothes, and a place to get body piercings. If you choose five or more piercings in the same lip or eyebrow, they are all free.
The boys are free to take part in their own activities. There is a big room, filled with nothing but empty bottles and rocks. They soon figure it out. The third level of the mall is reserved for several “spitting balconies.” Another room has nothing but lawn darts and M-80’s. In the huge basement, old people wearing helmets and Kevlar, drive around in cars. Each boy is given six snowballs to throw at them.
There is a room is with nothing but matches and cheap cologne.
In the girl’s section, they can “rent-a-little-brother.” He will give full consent to a makeover. Individual work centers exist, with a computer that only has access to Facebook and iTunes. You also get an ipod, which must be listened to the whole time you are on the computer, talking on your cell phone. There is a room with free make-up of every type, in fifty-five gallon drums. Every girl is issued a kitten.
In the clothing store, there is a special “Slutty Juniors” section.
The common section has a long row of make-out closets, and nerds have been hired for the sole purpose of walking around, to be taunted and beat-up.
There are security officers. The minimum age is 75, and every one has a bad hip. Since they can’t really scare the kids by threatening to throw them out, they have been given permission to hit them with nightsticks. Of course, they’ll never catch them, so they just run around screaming “You little bastids”
A movie theater is attached; the only choices are R-rated movies that feature rap stars, or movies that have the word “Chainsaw” or just “Saw” in the title. Just to piss the kids off, another theater will feature either, “The Sound of Music” or “Benji.” I won’t waste any money and put seats in.
There will be a library, with all fake books. Any kid that notices, wins a free tattoo, but it has to be a Chinese symbol, and go on their neck.
After a few days, the kids will tire of having freedom that they can’t use to make adults miserable, and the parents will be sick of each other. At check out time, all those attractive lip and eyebrow piercings must be removed, and the kids will be dog tired, from staying up all night, or napping on the floor of the mall. They will be disappointed to learn that the tattoos are henna.
The kids are bussed back to their parents, where they will greet each other in some version of:
That was our best vacation ever!
denniscoleman.net 