The Snow…On Quiet Morning.

I really hate lousy poetry…so once in a while I write my own. Here’s one:

I sit, in the quiet of morning, and watch the snow.

So slowly, and gently, it caresses all .

The snow kisses the ground, and the ground welcomes it.

 All of the glory of God’s creation, is covered equally in purity,

Clean, and fresh.

I sit, in the quiet of the morning, and watch the snow

 And I wonder…

 Who will shovel this crap…

 So that I can get to the bar to watch the game?


My All Time Favorite Obituaries.


Alphonso Anthony “Lucky Antny” Prosciutto-58.

Lucky Antny “passed away” recently, after a brief illness caused by multiple gunshots to the head, midsection, legs, and backside. Plus, one shot missed. Mr. Prosciutto was found in a dumpster, with his tongue removed, and a rat in his mouth. He was a devoted son that never married, as he could never receive his mother’s approval for a wife worthy of him. In lieu of flowers, donation should be sent to Siciliano Pizza, c/o “the back room.”

Leonard Skelowski- 77

Funeral services will be held Monday at 7 P.M., at the Watchelewski and Sziliczyk Funeral home.

“Lenny,” was a devoted family man, although he spent most holidays at the track.
Donations will be accepted, in the hopes that some of his gambling debts can be settled. The family hopes that his creditors will consider forgiving “the vig.”


Patrick Michael Flanagan-66

Funeral services have been delayed for Mr. Flanagan indefinitely.
The crematorium fears a wildfire, until more alcohol has time to evaporate from the remains.
Brendan’s Irish Pub plans to continue the wake, until either Pat dries out, or the family tab gets out of hand. The singing of Danny Boy will continue unabated.
Mr. Flanagan’s “fiancé” has requested that mourners discontinue stopping by his home to pick up mementoes.

If anyone knows where his kids are, it is requested that they be told of the sad news, although “there is nothing in it for them,” according to his fiancé.

William D. Fry, local attorney and noted sorehead. 61

Mr. Fry passed away quite suddenly Tuesday, after being clobbered relentlessly by an entire jury.
Mr. Fry is best known for the marquee type sign outside of his office, which read, “You’re not above the law, but I am.”
His ninth ex-wife is offering $50 to anyone willing to mourn, and $75 to pallbearer’s.

In lieu of flowers, his sixth ex-wife suggests that you keep the money.

Mickey Lombardo- Bounty Hunter and Saxophonist

Mickey “Don’t call me Guy,” Lombardo, had his final wishes fulfilled, when a jealous husband shot him, at age 97.
Mr. Lombardo outlived all five of his wives, and was quoted as saying “sometimes that was harder to pull off than others.”

A beloved father, grandfather, great-grandfather, great-great-grandfather, and godfather to many, he will be missed most by the ladies in their twenties, that called him “Uncle.”

In lieu of flowers, it was his wish that copies of the T.V. show, The Soprano’s, be sent to underprivileged children.

Jonathon Applewoodberry- local rich person, 84

Mr. Applewoodberry, who never worked a day in his life, passed away recently from unknown causes.
He died in his sleep, at Applewoodberry Estates, dressed in his foxing outfit, complete with hat. His beloved riding crop was nearby.
A noted philanthropist, Mr. Applewoodberry was the founder of the “Hounds for the Homeless” Foundation, which gives indigent people a chance to “run with the dogs, in clean country air,” at many Foxing events.

In lieu of flowers, the family has requested cash. (No personal checks.)

The family is still trying to honor Jonathon’s wishes to be buried with his beloved dog, “Mr. Spittles IV”, even though the canine appears to be in good health.
According to his family, that shouldn’t matter, citing their extreme wealth and love for animals.

New Advertising Slogans For Old Products.

1. Verizon DSL….The Internet for people with all the time in the world.

2. Buy a Prius…It’s a car that even fat people can outrun.

3. Slimquick Ultra Fat Burner…Because you’ll do anything to get out of going to the gym.

4. Eat at McDonalds….It might remind you of food.

5. Budweiser…Be a man. Buy a case before your wife gets your paycheck.

6. Geico….If we didn’t spend so much on all those cool commercials, we could actually save you some money.

7. Try a Red Bull. You’ll find yourself climbing ladders for no apparent reason.

8. Support a Vietnamese family for two months…Buy a pair of Nike’s.

9. Apple…Think different…as long as you think like us. Be an Apple drone.

10. Coca-Cola, You can’t beat the real thing…so we don’t bother putting anything real in it.

11. Wheaties. The Breakfast of Champions…but we sell it to losers too.

12. No bottles to break – just hearts. Arpege…Unleash your inner slut.

13. KFC-It’s Finger Lickin’ Good…Just don’t get any on your clothes.

14. United Airlines-Fly the Friendly skies…The skies are way friendlier than we are.

15. De Beers- A diamond is forever…but your marriage is probably temporary. Spend wisely.

Scientist Develops Chocolate Milk, Right From The Cow

Oonah, Wisconsin-The Heart of America’s Dairyland. (AP) – Years of missteps, and repeated failures, based mostly on the infusion of chocolate to cow feed, are now over. Agricultural scientists have developed a method to inject chocolate, through intravenous feeding tubes, directly into the glaxillium modi of bovines. This yields chocolate milk, delivered from the cow’s udder.

Scientists here trumpet this breakthrough as a tremendous time and labor-saver, particularly for the mother’s of young children. The Institute for Chocolate Milk Research, in Hershey, Pa., estimates that children under the age of eight consume 2.584 billion gallons of chocolate milk annually, most of which is made using the time consuming “hand-mix” method. 

O.K., I admit it. That’s all a load of crap that I made up. Pretty good though, huh? I even invented the words “glaxillium modi.” A little Latin always makes things sound official.

This next bit, however, is real. I cut and pasted it directly from an online newspaper article.

Jan 20, 7:40 AM EST

Scientist Develops Caffeinated Doughnuts

DURHAM. N.C. (AP) — That cup of coffee just not getting it done anymore? How about a Buzz Donut or a Buzzed Bagel? That’s what Doctor Robert Bohannon, a Durham, North Carolina, molecular scientist, has come up with. Bohannon says he’s developed a way to add caffeine to baked goods, without the bitter taste of caffeine. Each piece of pastry is the equivalent of about two cups of coffee.

Is it just me, or is this silly? From a very personal standpoint, I object to the words “without the bitter taste of caffeine.” I look forward to the taste of my morning coffee. Plus, I think that they know that we will pick-up on the obvious labor-savings, even if they don’t say it outright. We, the lazy, no longer have to dunk our doughnut into coffee. They have already done it for us.

And I thought that we had reached the zenith, when we could buy our lettuce all cut up and put into little baggies.

I’m hoping for more of these technological breakthroughs  If I knew any molecular scientist’s, I would encourage them to work on the following things, to further save us from our life of drudgery.

Peel-less bananas.

-Little carton’s of milk, with ¼” of Oreo sludge already on the bottom.

-Vodka flavored ice.

-Garlic, with just a hint of mouthwash.

-Cigarette flavored coffee, for that perfect after-dinner beverage.

I am also working on a list of other labor-saving devices that are necessary if we are going to have any leisure time at all. For instance, when are they going to finally come up with a T.V. that automatically switches to the station that I am thinking of? I’m getting a bad case of “remote control thumb.”


How To Be Nominated For The “Worlds Rudest Man” Competition

10. When you are invited to a party, never ask what you can bring, and never bring anything. Ask the host if you can “take some of that spinach dip home.”

9. Use your dead grandmother’s handicapped placard to get a good parking spot.

8. When dining out, always treat the waitstaff as if they are your servants.  Eat two thirds of your food then return it, saying it was disgusting. Ask for a full refund. Leave a tip of less than one dollar, in change. Make sure their are a few pennies.
7. When at a friends home, light up without asking, and then use your coffee cup as an ashtray.
6. While looking at family pictures, point to a child and ask “who is this porker?”
5. Talk with your mouth full, saying “It’s OK, I never get sick,” while you double-dip the french onion dip.
4. Sneeze in your hand, wipe it on your pants. Say, “Whoa, that’s pretty green,” several times.
3. Compliment your friend on his daughter’s “sweet keister.”
2. Ask your girlfriend if she can look to see if your “hemorrhoids are goin’ down.”
1. Whenever you meet a black person, tell them that you have “lots of colored friends.”


Samuel Holloway looked out the window, at nothing in particular.

His thumbs were hooked into his suspenders, and he was deep in thought. From the 33rd floor, he could see the entire city, the suburbs beyond, and the clouds above. Seated behind him, at the conference table, sat every member of the executive committee. He could smell their cologne, and hear the low murmurings between pairs of them. He had heard, in the halls, the concerns of the employees. The talk was that the Rex Publishing Company, after one hundred and thirty three years of distinguished service to the world of readers, was about to be sold.
The rumor mill had it that they would be purchased by The Bindery, a huge bookstore conglomerate; the type that sells coffee and music, and fancy little places to sit and read.
People came there to read, and to look hip and scholarly as they did so. It was not good news for the employees of Rex Publishing. The Bindery had a reputation for reducing both salaries and employees when they took over. 
The biggest salaries of Rex Publishing were now seated behind him. He knew that they were concerned, as well they should. Samuel knew that a single word from him, and the merger plans could be dashed, or they could be brought to fruition.
Certainly, they all knew that something had to be done. All that one would have to do, would be to walk through the shipping department, and see that less than half the number of books were being shipped out, compared to ten years ago. 
He was not certain why. Some said that the agents had gotten fat and lazy, and had stopped scratching for new authors. Other said that readership overall was down, and blamed television. Others blamed Oprah.
Samuel knew full well that whatever Oprah told people to read, they read. Not one of those books came from Rex. 
Although Samuel, of course, felt no concern for his own position or income, he knew that they did, the people in that room, seated behind him now. He knew that the “little people” did also.
 Much of the buzz about their uncertain future came from the plain workers; he heard it everywhere, although they never seemed to be aware that he was listening. The secretaries, the printers, the binders, even the custodial staff, worried about the loss of their job, their income, and their way of life.
 Samuel could not help but feel that the group seated here could have done something to avoid coming to this predicament, long ago. But they had not.
They overspent, had meetings, and protected their own interests.
 Looking out that window, with all of them seated behind him, he began to feel his power. It was time, he decided, for leadership. It was time to shake things up, and get in gear. There were too many people depending on these folks for them to be sitting around, in endless debate. The words began to form themselves in his mind. He could imagine himself swinging into action, turning away from the window, and with a strong voice, filled with the authority and responsibility of his position, he would begin. 
“People, the future of this company, and the lives of many, have been placed into your control. It is time to shut up, and get to work.” He would remind them that the number of books that went out of the loading dock doors had gone down steadily, and they had failed to do anything about it. He would remind them that every employee was aware of this situation, and they were waiting for a response from management. Those days were over, he would tell them. Immediately, he would take control over every aspect of the business, and he was committed to returning it to the kind of place where people did not go to work every day, wondering if their next paycheck would be their last. They would shorten their vacations, roll up their sleeves, think outside the box, and generally get to work. Anybody that was not with him, was against him. They should leave now. 
It was just unimaginable, that they would even entertain the idea that some candy-assed, frou-frou bookstore conglomerate, could take them over. 
It was time for plain talk, and action. Folks were depending on them. 
As he thought these things, he felt his posture improving. He was standing erect now, almost military perfect. He felt as powerful as he ever had. He was ready to take command, and he swung his body around to face them. This was the moment, and he knew it. Someone had to rally the troops, and he knew that he was the man for the job.  
He removed his thumbs from his suspenders, and turned on his heel to face them. His face was taut with purpose. Surely, he reasoned, his wartime stare would be enough to gather their assembled attention. 
He stared at them, and they stared back. It was one of them that spoke first.
“You will have to excuse us now, Samuel, our meeting is set to begin.” 
There was a low chuckle from somewhere; he could not identify it. 
He picked up the squeegee, removed the cloth from his pocket, and gave a final scrub to a stubborn smudge on the huge window. As he left the room, he heard the word “Daydreamer.”
He imagined that it was said fondly. 
He had heard it before.

How to Raise an Entitled Child

1. Beginning at birth, tell your child that they are “Special…more special than the rest.”
2. Send them to a preschool that keeps them away from “the poor people.”
3. Beginning in kindergarten, and lasting until high school, this should be how kids get on the bus in the morning: First, you have to drive them to the bus stop, even if it’s twelve feet away. Once the bus arrives, get out the car and un-strap them yourself. Kiss them at least three times. Once they finally get out of the car, help them on with their book bag. Instruct them to “walk don’t run.” Walk to the bus and tell the driver not to move until he or she is comfortably in their seat. Stand, wave and blow kisses when the bus finally leaves, completely unaware of the thirty-eight cars that are held up. They are just good people trying to get to work.
4. Always tell them to “Make good choices” without saying what they are.
5. Whenever their homework is difficult, do it for them. Use the Internet if necessary.
6. Attend every Parent-Teacher conference with a list of complaints and suggestions. Don’t let the teacher talk at all, as they might bring up something that needs improvement.
7. Be certain that they only take part in sports activities where everyone is a winner, and gets a trophy.
8. Teach them all of your political principles. Let them know that “We are Republicans” or “We are Democrats” and that’s just the way it is.Discourage thought or discussion on the topic.
9. Select their college for them. Do not ask for their opinion. Pay for all of it.
10. Be certain that they always have the latest cell phone. When they are sixteen, buy them a new Volvo and pay for the insurance.
11. Their allowance should be high enough for them to be able to buy drugs.
12. Read their diary, go through their room constantly. Let them know that you do this for their own good. This will teach them how to conceal things at an early age.
13. Have talks with them about sex and drugs. Keep it very superficial. Be sure to tell them that you know that they are a “good boy or good girl,” but that you are suspicious of their friends.
14. Supply them with condoms and other birth control. Do it without conversation.
15. Constantly run down their friends, as being “not good enough for them.”
16. Be sure they never have to walk anywhere.
17. Tell them that they shouldn’t get a job in high school so that they can focus on their studies. Ignore the fact that they spend four hours a day texting, watching YouTube or playing video games.
18. Always ask them “what the cool kids are wearing.” Pick out all of their clothes for them. Don’t express anger when they won’t wear them, or rip holes in $60.00 jeans.
19. Assure them it is OK to pierce their face, get tattoos and turn their hair purple as a way to “express themselves.” Be unaware that they are trying to engage in normal adolescent rebellion, forcing them to raise the bar to something like an overdose.
20. After college, provide a summer-long trip to Europe or Asia so they can “find themselves.”
21. Encourage them to hold out for a job that is worthy of them. While holding out they should live at home for free, and have your credit card. Ignore the fact that they spend eight hours a day texting, watching YouTube, or playing video games.
22. When they create a kid out of wedlock, raise the child for them. Tell them that the other party is unsuitable and ban them from your home.
23. Set Play Dates for your children, up to age 18. Also, attend every birthday party with them, and constantly remind all of the children of the “No Roughhousing” rule.”Roughhousing” is the inclusive word for normal behavior by children.

24. Be available always, and at a moments notice, to stop what you are doing and drive your child somewhere. If necessary, wait around for up to ninety minutes, to drive them back home.

Top Ten Activities for Eagles Fans During The Playoffs.

Finding a little extra time on your hands at this time of the year? Here are a few suggestions.

10. Say to the wife, “Anything I can help out with around here?” That should hold you until bedtime.
9. At 1 PM on Sunday, put on your Eagles shirt and hat. (Your Eagles helmet won’t work for this). Start reading your worn copy of “Football 28 hours a day” by Dick Vermiel. Try it again at 4 PM.
8. Drag out your cassette tape of “The Best of the Buddy Ryan Show.”
7. Calculate how many days until pitchers and catchers report.
6.Call your Dad and ask him to tell you the Sonny Jurgensen stories…again. Feigning interest will help him to segue into the “Concrete Charlie” stuff.
5. Drag out your entire lifetime fleet of Eagles memorabilia. After dusting and Lemon Pledging it, put everything into fresh zippered freezer bags. Mark the bags “Do not open until Super Bowl.” Be sure to date it.
4. Play a boardgame with your kids. Actually, just kidding. Spend a few hours trying to talk your kids into playing a game of Chutes and Ladders with you.
3. Make a list of things that you can say to drive your wife crazy. Include things like “Say honey, what are the dates for the flower show this year?
2. Call your buddies, suggesting you get together for a game of touch football. Their excuses should use up a major part of a weekend.
1. Work on your Merrill Reese impersonation. If you can’t get it, try imitating Joe Conklin imitating Merrill Reese.

The President is Meeting to Discuss Non-Violent Video Games. Here Are My Suggestions.

1. Bambi:Special Ops. Children run around in the forest and pet the animals. There is an interactive and interfaith memorial service for Bambi’s mother.
2. Super Mario Stepbrothers – Sharing and acceptance is featured. Opportunities to camp and fish with the latest “New Dad.”
3. Grand Theft Vegetables– Kids get to run around the farm, gleaning carrots ,soybeans and eggplant. Points are lost for increased weight.
4. Call of Doody– This is a special game aimed at teaching potty training. Extra points for self-wiping. (Ages 1-3).
5. The Legend of Zelda XVII. In this version, there are puzzle solving games where points are gained by the ability to dis-assemble rifles and handguns. Extra points if they are hidden inside fast-food restaurants.
6. Pac-Man the Pacifist. A slight re-write to the plot. The ghosts are now angels who are victims of gunfire. They cry out for rubber bullets. The winner is able to turn the first 25 pac-dots into butterflies.
7. Duck Hunt. This version is far different. You have to collect duck eggs, and hide them in safe places, away from the hunters. Bonus points if you can disarm the hunter and put him in a net.
8. Final Fantasy-The Final One.-For it truly to be a Final Fantasy, the child must envision that they are near death and have to confess all of their sins truthfully. You either go to heaven, hell or limbo…where you have to start over.
9. Residence Evil.– In this game, a child must root out all evil in their home, and turn the perps into local police. When they become orphans, they are sent to the workhouse, where they have to root out more evil.
10.Halo The current game centers on an interstellar war between humanity and a theocratic alliance of aliens known as the Covenant. In the new version, the interstellar war will be between kittens and puppies. There is no obvious advantage, so the winner is the child that has the fewest litters and bombs the most puppy mills.

A Better Version of Disneyland.

When Walt built Disneyland, he overlooked something. Disneyland is truly a great vacation spot for parents and their young children. Once the kids become teenagers though, it is just another place for them to be miserable. Plus, it’s an awfully expensive place for them to miserable. They complain about the long lines, and call everything stupid, gay, or disgusting. They continuously whine that there are no computers so that they can go on Facebook. They miss their skateboards, and the games where they can pretend to be drug dealers, and “waste cops.” They spend a great deal of time with their nose against their cell phones.

Since you can’t keep them in strollers anymore, it hard to stop them from sneaking up behind Mickey and trying to sit his ears on fire.

Fortunately, I have the solution. If I can get the funding, construction will begin soon, on DennisLand. Here is the plan.

You check in as a family, at a five-star hotel. The parents get a huge and elegant suite, with one king-sized bed. There are no beds for the kids. There are indoor and outdoor pools, saunas, restaurants, and nine different bars. Included in the price is access to the golf course and the riding stables. Upon check in, each kid gets something like a credit card, where all of their charges will be added to your room. You won’t care, because you are about to see the last of them for the rest of your vacation. Let’s face it; they don’t want to be with you any more than you want to put up with them.

The kids are taken from you immediately, and they board a bus to the adjoining buildings. Although they are connected, it is impossible for them to get back to the hotel. That is a promise.

The section of DennisLand that’s for the kids, looks exactly like a Mall. Teenagers are happiest in this setting. Upon entry, each kid is given a skateboard, and a smart phone. Whoopee cushions are optional.

Walking is prohibited, and you have to talk on the cell phone constantly, even if the person that you want to talk to is five feet away.

There are only three different stores in the mall. There is a McDonald’s, a clothes store that only sells black clothes, and a place to get body piercings. If you choose five or more piercings in the same lip or eyebrow, they are all free.

The boys are free to take part in their own activities. There is a big room, filled with nothing but empty bottles and rocks. They soon figure it out. The third level of the mall is reserved for several “spitting balconies.” Another room has nothing but lawn darts and M-80’s. In the huge basement, old people wearing helmets and Kevlar, drive around in cars. Each boy is given six snowballs to throw at them.

There is a room is with nothing but matches and cheap cologne.

In the girl’s section, they can “rent-a-little-brother.” He will give full consent to a makeover. Individual work centers exist, with a computer that only has access to Facebook and iTunes. You also get an ipod, which must be listened to the whole time you are on the computer, talking on your cell phone. There is a room with free make-up of every type, in fifty-five gallon drums. Every girl is issued a kitten.

In the clothing store, there is a special “Slutty Juniors” section.

The common section has a long row of make-out closets, and nerds have been hired for the sole purpose of walking around, to be taunted and beat-up.

There are security officers. The minimum age is 75, and every one has a bad hip. Since they can’t really scare the kids by threatening to throw them out, they have been given permission to hit them with nightsticks. Of course, they’ll never catch them, so they just run around screaming “You little bastids”

A movie theater is attached; the only choices are R-rated movies that feature rap stars, or movies that have the word “Chainsaw” or just “Saw” in the title. Just to piss the kids off, another theater will feature either, “The Sound of Music” or “Benji.” I won’t waste any money and put seats in.

There will be a library, with all fake books. Any kid that notices, wins a free tattoo, but it has to be a Chinese symbol, and go on their neck.

After a few days, the kids will tire of having freedom that they can’t use to make adults miserable, and the parents will be sick of each other. At check out time, all those attractive lip and eyebrow piercings must be removed, and the kids will be dog tired, from staying up all night, or napping on the floor of the mall. They will be disappointed to learn that the tattoos are henna.

The kids are bussed back to their parents, where they will greet each other in some version of:

That was our best vacation ever!