Oonah, Wisconsin-The Heart of America’s Dairyland. (AP) – Years of missteps, and repeated failures, based mostly on the infusion of chocolate to cow feed, are now over. Agricultural scientists have developed a method to inject chocolate, through intravenous feeding tubes, directly into the glaxillium modi of bovines. This yields chocolate milk, delivered from the cow’s udder.
Scientists here trumpet this breakthrough as a tremendous time and labor-saver, particularly for the mother’s of young children. The Institute for Chocolate Milk Research, in Hershey, Pa., estimates that children under the age of eight consume 2.584 billion gallons of chocolate milk annually, most of which is made using the time consuming “hand-mix” method.
O.K., I admit it. That’s all a load of crap that I made up. Pretty good though, huh? I even invented the words “glaxillium modi.” A little Latin always makes things sound official.
This next bit, however, is real. I cut and pasted it directly from an online newspaper article.
Jan 20, 7:40 AM EST
Scientist Develops Caffeinated Doughnuts
DURHAM. N.C. (AP) — That cup of coffee just not getting it done anymore? How about a Buzz Donut or a Buzzed Bagel? That’s what Doctor Robert Bohannon, a Durham, North Carolina, molecular scientist, has come up with. Bohannon says he’s developed a way to add caffeine to baked goods, without the bitter taste of caffeine. Each piece of pastry is the equivalent of about two cups of coffee.
Is it just me, or is this silly? From a very personal standpoint, I object to the words “without the bitter taste of caffeine.” I look forward to the taste of my morning coffee. Plus, I think that they know that we will pick-up on the obvious labor-savings, even if they don’t say it outright. We, the lazy, no longer have to dunk our doughnut into coffee. They have already done it for us.
And I thought that we had reached the zenith, when we could buy our lettuce all cut up and put into little baggies.
I’m hoping for more of these technological breakthroughs If I knew any molecular scientist’s, I would encourage them to work on the following things, to further save us from our life of drudgery.
-Little carton’s of milk, with ¼” of Oreo sludge already on the bottom.
-Vodka flavored ice.
-Garlic, with just a hint of mouthwash.
-Cigarette flavored coffee, for that perfect after-dinner beverage.
I am also working on a list of other labor-saving devices that are necessary if we are going to have any leisure time at all. For instance, when are they going to finally come up with a T.V. that automatically switches to the station that I am thinking of? I’m getting a bad case of “remote control thumb.”