Top Ten Activities for Eagles Fans During The Playoffs.

Finding a little extra time on your hands at this time of the year? Here are a few suggestions.

10. Say to the wife, “Anything I can help out with around here?” That should hold you until bedtime.
9. At 1 PM on Sunday, put on your Eagles shirt and hat. (Your Eagles helmet won’t work for this). Start reading your worn copy of “Football 28 hours a day” by Dick Vermiel. Try it again at 4 PM.
8. Drag out your cassette tape of “The Best of the Buddy Ryan Show.”
7. Calculate how many days until pitchers and catchers report.
6.Call your Dad and ask him to tell you the Sonny Jurgensen stories…again. Feigning interest will help him to segue into the “Concrete Charlie” stuff.
5. Drag out your entire lifetime fleet of Eagles memorabilia. After dusting and Lemon Pledging it, put everything into fresh zippered freezer bags. Mark the bags “Do not open until Super Bowl.” Be sure to date it.
4. Play a boardgame with your kids. Actually, just kidding. Spend a few hours trying to talk your kids into playing a game of Chutes and Ladders with you.
3. Make a list of things that you can say to drive your wife crazy. Include things like “Say honey, what are the dates for the flower show this year?
2. Call your buddies, suggesting you get together for a game of touch football. Their excuses should use up a major part of a weekend.
1. Work on your Merrill Reese impersonation. If you can’t get it, try imitating Joe Conklin imitating Merrill Reese.

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The President is Meeting to Discuss Non-Violent Video Games. Here Are My Suggestions.

1. Bambi:Special Ops. Children run around in the forest and pet the animals. There is an interactive and interfaith memorial service for Bambi’s mother.
2. Super Mario Stepbrothers – Sharing and acceptance is featured. Opportunities to camp and fish with the latest “New Dad.”
3. Grand Theft Vegetables– Kids get to run around the farm, gleaning carrots ,soybeans and eggplant. Points are lost for increased weight.
4. Call of Doody– This is a special game aimed at teaching potty training. Extra points for self-wiping. (Ages 1-3).
5. The Legend of Zelda XVII. In this version, there are puzzle solving games where points are gained by the ability to dis-assemble rifles and handguns. Extra points if they are hidden inside fast-food restaurants.
6. Pac-Man the Pacifist. A slight re-write to the plot. The ghosts are now angels who are victims of gunfire. They cry out for rubber bullets. The winner is able to turn the first 25 pac-dots into butterflies.
7. Duck Hunt. This version is far different. You have to collect duck eggs, and hide them in safe places, away from the hunters. Bonus points if you can disarm the hunter and put him in a net.
8. Final Fantasy-The Final One.-For it truly to be a Final Fantasy, the child must envision that they are near death and have to confess all of their sins truthfully. You either go to heaven, hell or limbo…where you have to start over.
9. Residence Evil.– In this game, a child must root out all evil in their home, and turn the perps into local police. When they become orphans, they are sent to the workhouse, where they have to root out more evil.
10.Halo The current game centers on an interstellar war between humanity and a theocratic alliance of aliens known as the Covenant. In the new version, the interstellar war will be between kittens and puppies. There is no obvious advantage, so the winner is the child that has the fewest litters and bombs the most puppy mills.

A Better Version of Disneyland.

When Walt built Disneyland, he overlooked something. Disneyland is truly a great vacation spot for parents and their young children. Once the kids become teenagers though, it is just another place for them to be miserable. Plus, it’s an awfully expensive place for them to miserable. They complain about the long lines, and call everything stupid, gay, or disgusting. They continuously whine that there are no computers so that they can go on Facebook. They miss their skateboards, and the games where they can pretend to be drug dealers, and “waste cops.” They spend a great deal of time with their nose against their cell phones.

Since you can’t keep them in strollers anymore, it hard to stop them from sneaking up behind Mickey and trying to sit his ears on fire.

Fortunately, I have the solution. If I can get the funding, construction will begin soon, on DennisLand. Here is the plan.

You check in as a family, at a five-star hotel. The parents get a huge and elegant suite, with one king-sized bed. There are no beds for the kids. There are indoor and outdoor pools, saunas, restaurants, and nine different bars. Included in the price is access to the golf course and the riding stables. Upon check in, each kid gets something like a credit card, where all of their charges will be added to your room. You won’t care, because you are about to see the last of them for the rest of your vacation. Let’s face it; they don’t want to be with you any more than you want to put up with them.

The kids are taken from you immediately, and they board a bus to the adjoining buildings. Although they are connected, it is impossible for them to get back to the hotel. That is a promise.

The section of DennisLand that’s for the kids, looks exactly like a Mall. Teenagers are happiest in this setting. Upon entry, each kid is given a skateboard, and a smart phone. Whoopee cushions are optional.

Walking is prohibited, and you have to talk on the cell phone constantly, even if the person that you want to talk to is five feet away.

There are only three different stores in the mall. There is a McDonald’s, a clothes store that only sells black clothes, and a place to get body piercings. If you choose five or more piercings in the same lip or eyebrow, they are all free.

The boys are free to take part in their own activities. There is a big room, filled with nothing but empty bottles and rocks. They soon figure it out. The third level of the mall is reserved for several “spitting balconies.” Another room has nothing but lawn darts and M-80’s. In the huge basement, old people wearing helmets and Kevlar, drive around in cars. Each boy is given six snowballs to throw at them.

There is a room is with nothing but matches and cheap cologne.

In the girl’s section, they can “rent-a-little-brother.” He will give full consent to a makeover. Individual work centers exist, with a computer that only has access to Facebook and iTunes. You also get an ipod, which must be listened to the whole time you are on the computer, talking on your cell phone. There is a room with free make-up of every type, in fifty-five gallon drums. Every girl is issued a kitten.

In the clothing store, there is a special “Slutty Juniors” section.

The common section has a long row of make-out closets, and nerds have been hired for the sole purpose of walking around, to be taunted and beat-up.

There are security officers. The minimum age is 75, and every one has a bad hip. Since they can’t really scare the kids by threatening to throw them out, they have been given permission to hit them with nightsticks. Of course, they’ll never catch them, so they just run around screaming “You little bastids”

A movie theater is attached; the only choices are R-rated movies that feature rap stars, or movies that have the word “Chainsaw” or just “Saw” in the title. Just to piss the kids off, another theater will feature either, “The Sound of Music” or “Benji.” I won’t waste any money and put seats in.

There will be a library, with all fake books. Any kid that notices, wins a free tattoo, but it has to be a Chinese symbol, and go on their neck.

After a few days, the kids will tire of having freedom that they can’t use to make adults miserable, and the parents will be sick of each other. At check out time, all those attractive lip and eyebrow piercings must be removed, and the kids will be dog tired, from staying up all night, or napping on the floor of the mall. They will be disappointed to learn that the tattoos are henna.

The kids are bussed back to their parents, where they will greet each other in some version of:

That was our best vacation ever!

Is it just me, or are there others that think that dogs are animals?

I like animals. Many people don’t believe this about me, but it’s true.I like robins and elephants and iguanas and tuna. I like dogs too. I like them all the same.

And I don’t want any of them in my house.

To quote my sage friend Jeff, “When you live with an animal, you live like an animal.” It’s true. If I sat in a lions den, or a sparrows nest, I would expect to smell like a lion or a sparrow after a while.

When I go to a dog lovers house, I end up with dog hair all over me, and I start to smell like a dog.  I don’t particularly care for that. I will admit though, I prefer removing dog hair from my sweater, to wiping dog saliva from my cheek. For some reason that I don’t understand, people attach human qualities to animals, and then they call them pets. The animals don’t really behave any differently than they would if they were left outdoors where they belong, but their “owners” treat them differently. They give them human names, they talk to them. Sometimes they actually ask them questions, and wait for an answer. Here is a newsflash; they are not going to answer. Ever.By the way, those dog sweaters are stupid.Of course, dog lovers will go on about the “companionship,” that their dog offers, but I fail to see it. When I want companionship, I invite my friends over for some beers and poker. Dogs can’t play poker; I don’t care how many velvet pictures of them doing so that they sell. Plus, dogs never seem to bring any music or potato chips over, and they never have good stories about how stupid their boss is, or how mean the old lady is.Not only do they fail to offer any advice or true companionship, they also never chip in for the bar bill like my friends sometimes do, or know any dirty jokes.People put up with unbelievable inconveniences caused by dogs. My friend Eric once took a crap on somebody’s chair, and he was banned for life from that particular address. But if a dog does that, a human being will clean it up, and will apologize as if he did it himself. Strangely, the owner of the home forgives it.If you don’t think this is true, go to your friends house and let your dog pee on the floor. Wait twenty minutes, and then stand up and take a leak on their rug. Measure the difference in his reaction.As for myself, I don’t encourage any creature into my home that is not familiar with bathroom protocol, (except for Eric, who has cut down considerably on his drinking). Here’s another thing. When I come to your house, I almost never stick my nose into your girlfriends crotch, and wait for you to say,”Its okay, he’s just getting to know you.”

I have kept all this to myself for years, but now that people think that they are perfectly within their rights to act like someone is billowing napalm directly into their face if they detect a smoker is within 100 yards of their eight-dollar plate of linguine, I think that I can share my opinion. I personally find second-hand smoke to be far less offensive that crotch sniffing, having my shoes peed on, or watching Fido vigorously tongue-bathe his genitals. If you have zero friends, and need a dog for a companion, you should consider charm school. Dogs really don’t pine for your friendship, they just enjoy being waited on, and I think that you would have to admit that having someone pour a can of “Prime Select All Beef” into your monogrammed bowl, is better than spending all day foraging for food,  running down squirrels, or dragging a dead possum off the road. So next time your out for your walk in the park, and your dog runs over to hump my leg, don’t think that I will find it cute. It ain’t cute.We’ll see how you like it when I return the favor by working out on the leg of your girlfriend.If I haven’t quite made my point, I would like you to consider how foolish you look when you walk behind your “companion,” with a paper bag, a little shovel, and a smile.

Top Ten Things To Do During A Dull Sermon.

10. Pretend that the preacher has a head like a chicken. Close your eyes and visualize it. If you do this well, when you open your eyes he will have a head like a chicken, if just for a moment.

9. Do the pew crawl. Climb on your belly under the pews like you are a green beret. Try to set a personal best, and top it next week.
8. Pass a note to a stranger that says “I’m new here. When the money plate comes around, how much am I allowed to take?”
7. About ten minutes in, stand up and say, with great authority, “We will now sing hymn number 327.” Start singing, see how many will join you.
6. Play solitaire. Shuffle the cards as loudly as possible. Every once in while exclaim. “Yeah baby.” Apologize to anyone that makes a face at you.
5. Bring a Bible and a red pen. Start making corrections, and comments in the margins. Don’t worry, someone will notice.
4. Make a mad face and wrinkle your nose, looking around with great disgust. Say “Whew!” a few times. People will recognize this as the universal “who farted?” question.
3. Taking a nap is no good, unless you bring one of those airplane neck pillows. Exhale loudly, and with great frequency.
2. Raise your hand, pumping it with great urgency. If you get called on, say, “According to Ezekiah The Gimp, what you are saying is not not really true is it?” Wait for an answer, which may come before your escorted exit.
1. Move next to a single woman, preferably an old one with a hat. Put your arm around her. In a stage whisper say, “What a bunch of losers, huh. You wanna get out of here?”

New Holiday Schedule

The best thing about writing opinion pieces is that you don’t have to deal with “facts” the way that real reporters do. The downside is that it is very difficult to say that you have been misquoted. I have tried this unsuccessfully on several occasions when people have suggested that my opinions, while being foolish, were just stupid.

However, many people will accept as fact anything that is printed or typed. If that were not so, then why do so many believe that Selena left Justin for Elvis and that she is carrying their love child, who will find strength in a yellow sun.

Anyway, back to my opinions. I am making changes to our holidays. Many of them just don’t make sense. For the most part, any Holiday that would not be celebrated without the insistence of Hallmark, is outta here. As a case in point, I recently saw a lovely card ($3.45) in a section called “For my sister’s stepdaughters current boyfriend, on Labor Day.”

Here is the new schedule.

New Years Day. This one can stay, but there is the addition of New Years Day “A” and New Years Day “B”. “A” is for hangover recovery, and you can spend the whole day in bed, guilt free. On New Years Day “B” you participate in all of the traditional New Years Day activities. 

Groundhog Day– This one stays, because of its spiritual value, plus there are no cards for it. Without it, how would we know that spring comes about six weeks after the beginning of February?

Valentines Day– Gone. It’s just too expensive. Plus I’m tired of not getting anything, while my 13-year-old nephew gets a four foot square card that pledges lifetime love from “some girl in his homeroom.”

St. Patrick’s Day– All of the Irish get this as a double paid holiday, and everyone else, particularly Italians, have to buy us presents. Certainly there should be more attention towards God’s chosen people, right? Before you ask, Columbus Day is gone. You shouldn’t celebrate a guy getting lost, plus the whole world smells like garlic for two weeks afterward. 

April Fools Day– This will replace Presidents Day, MLK Day, Arbor Day and  Mischief Night. Any opportunity to goof on your friends is serious business. It is not a day off from work, because you need to be there in order to put up the memo about your bosses impending sex change reversal.

Easter– This one gets to stay because of its obvious importance in the Christian Calendar. Since this is the rare holiday that is on a different day each year, you can use it as a floater, whenever you choose.

Mothers Day– This is the only elective holiday. If you have a great Mother, you must buy her something. If not, you can ignore it. That should improve her performance for next year. 

Memorial Day to July 4th. – These are good days for those who are patriotic or who are devoted to good ol’ summertime fun, like blowing up watermelons. Since these two dates are only about a month apart, they will serve as bookends for summertime hiatus. No work is to occur between those two dates, so make sure your vacation is scheduled for August. No sense in having holidays messing up your vacation.

Labor Day– I like Holidays that celebrate Labor by not working. Perhaps we should consider other days like this. For instance “Be Faithful To Your Spouse Day”, where everyone gets a day to fool around, officially, and get it out of their system. This one might be worthy of a Hallmark Card.

Halloween– This has to go. Just think about it this way. What if someone suggested that you dress up your young children in highly flammable clothes that make them sweat profusely, with masks that block 90% of their vision and send them out to walk around on dark streets, so that they can beg for food that you don’t want them to have, from people you don’t know. 

Thanksgiving to Christmas. Everything is closed between these dates, to cut out all of the shopping injuries, insults and parking lot shootings. This will force Visa and American Express out of business, which I see as good. On Thanksgiving, you have to watch one Christmas movie per hour of football consumption, to try to maintain cosmic balance. All gifts are to be hand-made and easily disposable. Everyone must go caroling at least once, but not at my house.

New Years Eve– Begins December 26th and lasts until the 31st. Any holiday that has a drunk guy in a pointy hat as its poster child deserves more time; a week is probably about right.

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When I Am Finally Put In Charge…The Following Shall Be Enacted

I will censor people that quote the Bible, one line at a time, for their own purposes. It’s a big book, read it all, and once you understand the entire concept, I will listen to your lecture. Until then, I have one for you. Psalms 35:20….look it up.

All hip-hop and rap music will have to be listened to through a personal earpiece, with the volume set at “2”. If we can’t do that, I will abolish it entirely.

There will be a Federal IQ test, and the score will be included on your drivers license. A low score will prohibit you from certain activities. Among these will be voting, using the self-checkout lane, and blogging.

Cell phones will have a new Taser App. If you talk too loud in a public place, you will tase yourself repeatedly.

Public Drunkenness will be decriminalized and renamed “Fun”. Tipping is encouraged.

The Congress shall have no right to control food or beverage intake. Restaurants, however, will be empowered to turn away hideously obese people at their discretion. It’s distracting to the other patrons, plus they hog-up the buffet.

All people will be required to go on a date before their twenty-first birthday. Activities shall include a shower, dressing nicely, dinner, and good manners. This has been lost from our culture, and we suffer for it. Plus, it helps us to learn how to take rejection with aplomb.

Each town square will be required to install a Stock and Pillory device. Offences that could land you their would include littering, wearing flip-flops in public, saying the F-word around girls or listening to Howard Stern.

Every establishment that sells gasoline will be required to have attendants. Their duties will include windshield washing, pumping gas,checking oil, filling tires, and giving directions. They must be cheery. It seems to me that since we had that service at 35 cents a gallon, it’s the least that they can do for us at $3.50.

Until further notice, your tax rate will be based on how nice you are.

Public Schools are hereby stripped of any of the powers that they bestowed upon themselves to interfere with a parents divine right and responsibility to raise their own children. Dress codes are the pervue of the parents. Lunches brought from home and snacks are none of the schools business. Homework is now outlawed, as are school boards.