Is it just me, or are there others that think that dogs are animals?

I like animals. Many people don’t believe this about me, but it’s true.I like robins and elephants and iguanas and tuna. I like dogs too. I like them all the same.

And I don’t want any of them in my house.

To quote my sage friend Jeff, “When you live with an animal, you live like an animal.” It’s true. If I sat in a lions den, or a sparrows nest, I would expect to smell like a lion or a sparrow after a while.

When I go to a dog lovers house, I end up with dog hair all over me, and I start to smell like a dog.  I don’t particularly care for that. I will admit though, I prefer removing dog hair from my sweater, to wiping dog saliva from my cheek. For some reason that I don’t understand, people attach human qualities to animals, and then they call them pets. The animals don’t really behave any differently than they would if they were left outdoors where they belong, but their “owners” treat them differently. They give them human names, they talk to them. Sometimes they actually ask them questions, and wait for an answer. Here is a newsflash; they are not going to answer. Ever.By the way, those dog sweaters are stupid.Of course, dog lovers will go on about the “companionship,” that their dog offers, but I fail to see it. When I want companionship, I invite my friends over for some beers and poker. Dogs can’t play poker; I don’t care how many velvet pictures of them doing so that they sell. Plus, dogs never seem to bring any music or potato chips over, and they never have good stories about how stupid their boss is, or how mean the old lady is.Not only do they fail to offer any advice or true companionship, they also never chip in for the bar bill like my friends sometimes do, or know any dirty jokes.People put up with unbelievable inconveniences caused by dogs. My friend Eric once took a crap on somebody’s chair, and he was banned for life from that particular address. But if a dog does that, a human being will clean it up, and will apologize as if he did it himself. Strangely, the owner of the home forgives it.If you don’t think this is true, go to your friends house and let your dog pee on the floor. Wait twenty minutes, and then stand up and take a leak on their rug. Measure the difference in his reaction.As for myself, I don’t encourage any creature into my home that is not familiar with bathroom protocol, (except for Eric, who has cut down considerably on his drinking). Here’s another thing. When I come to your house, I almost never stick my nose into your girlfriends crotch, and wait for you to say,”Its okay, he’s just getting to know you.”

I have kept all this to myself for years, but now that people think that they are perfectly within their rights to act like someone is billowing napalm directly into their face if they detect a smoker is within 100 yards of their eight-dollar plate of linguine, I think that I can share my opinion. I personally find second-hand smoke to be far less offensive that crotch sniffing, having my shoes peed on, or watching Fido vigorously tongue-bathe his genitals. If you have zero friends, and need a dog for a companion, you should consider charm school. Dogs really don’t pine for your friendship, they just enjoy being waited on, and I think that you would have to admit that having someone pour a can of “Prime Select All Beef” into your monogrammed bowl, is better than spending all day foraging for food,  running down squirrels, or dragging a dead possum off the road. So next time your out for your walk in the park, and your dog runs over to hump my leg, don’t think that I will find it cute. It ain’t cute.We’ll see how you like it when I return the favor by working out on the leg of your girlfriend.If I haven’t quite made my point, I would like you to consider how foolish you look when you walk behind your “companion,” with a paper bag, a little shovel, and a smile.

Top Ten Things To Do During A Dull Sermon.

10. Pretend that the preacher has a head like a chicken. Close your eyes and visualize it. If you do this well, when you open your eyes he will have a head like a chicken, if just for a moment.

9. Do the pew crawl. Climb on your belly under the pews like you are a green beret. Try to set a personal best, and top it next week.
8. Pass a note to a stranger that says “I’m new here. When the money plate comes around, how much am I allowed to take?”
7. About ten minutes in, stand up and say, with great authority, “We will now sing hymn number 327.” Start singing, see how many will join you.
6. Play solitaire. Shuffle the cards as loudly as possible. Every once in while exclaim. “Yeah baby.” Apologize to anyone that makes a face at you.
5. Bring a Bible and a red pen. Start making corrections, and comments in the margins. Don’t worry, someone will notice.
4. Make a mad face and wrinkle your nose, looking around with great disgust. Say “Whew!” a few times. People will recognize this as the universal “who farted?” question.
3. Taking a nap is no good, unless you bring one of those airplane neck pillows. Exhale loudly, and with great frequency.
2. Raise your hand, pumping it with great urgency. If you get called on, say, “According to Ezekiah The Gimp, what you are saying is not not really true is it?” Wait for an answer, which may come before your escorted exit.
1. Move next to a single woman, preferably an old one with a hat. Put your arm around her. In a stage whisper say, “What a bunch of losers, huh. You wanna get out of here?”

New Holiday Schedule

The best thing about writing opinion pieces is that you don’t have to deal with “facts” the way that real reporters do. The downside is that it is very difficult to say that you have been misquoted. I have tried this unsuccessfully on several occasions when people have suggested that my opinions, while being foolish, were just stupid.

However, many people will accept as fact anything that is printed or typed. If that were not so, then why do so many believe that Selena left Justin for Elvis and that she is carrying their love child, who will find strength in a yellow sun.

Anyway, back to my opinions. I am making changes to our holidays. Many of them just don’t make sense. For the most part, any Holiday that would not be celebrated without the insistence of Hallmark, is outta here. As a case in point, I recently saw a lovely card ($3.45) in a section called “For my sister’s stepdaughters current boyfriend, on Labor Day.”

Here is the new schedule.

New Years Day. This one can stay, but there is the addition of New Years Day “A” and New Years Day “B”. “A” is for hangover recovery, and you can spend the whole day in bed, guilt free. On New Years Day “B” you participate in all of the traditional New Years Day activities. 

Groundhog Day– This one stays, because of its spiritual value, plus there are no cards for it. Without it, how would we know that spring comes about six weeks after the beginning of February?

Valentines Day– Gone. It’s just too expensive. Plus I’m tired of not getting anything, while my 13-year-old nephew gets a four foot square card that pledges lifetime love from “some girl in his homeroom.”

St. Patrick’s Day– All of the Irish get this as a double paid holiday, and everyone else, particularly Italians, have to buy us presents. Certainly there should be more attention towards God’s chosen people, right? Before you ask, Columbus Day is gone. You shouldn’t celebrate a guy getting lost, plus the whole world smells like garlic for two weeks afterward. 

April Fools Day– This will replace Presidents Day, MLK Day, Arbor Day and  Mischief Night. Any opportunity to goof on your friends is serious business. It is not a day off from work, because you need to be there in order to put up the memo about your bosses impending sex change reversal.

Easter– This one gets to stay because of its obvious importance in the Christian Calendar. Since this is the rare holiday that is on a different day each year, you can use it as a floater, whenever you choose.

Mothers Day– This is the only elective holiday. If you have a great Mother, you must buy her something. If not, you can ignore it. That should improve her performance for next year. 

Memorial Day to July 4th. – These are good days for those who are patriotic or who are devoted to good ol’ summertime fun, like blowing up watermelons. Since these two dates are only about a month apart, they will serve as bookends for summertime hiatus. No work is to occur between those two dates, so make sure your vacation is scheduled for August. No sense in having holidays messing up your vacation.

Labor Day– I like Holidays that celebrate Labor by not working. Perhaps we should consider other days like this. For instance “Be Faithful To Your Spouse Day”, where everyone gets a day to fool around, officially, and get it out of their system. This one might be worthy of a Hallmark Card.

Halloween– This has to go. Just think about it this way. What if someone suggested that you dress up your young children in highly flammable clothes that make them sweat profusely, with masks that block 90% of their vision and send them out to walk around on dark streets, so that they can beg for food that you don’t want them to have, from people you don’t know. 

Thanksgiving to Christmas. Everything is closed between these dates, to cut out all of the shopping injuries, insults and parking lot shootings. This will force Visa and American Express out of business, which I see as good. On Thanksgiving, you have to watch one Christmas movie per hour of football consumption, to try to maintain cosmic balance. All gifts are to be hand-made and easily disposable. Everyone must go caroling at least once, but not at my house.

New Years Eve– Begins December 26th and lasts until the 31st. Any holiday that has a drunk guy in a pointy hat as its poster child deserves more time; a week is probably about right.

Categories: None

When I Am Finally Put In Charge…The Following Shall Be Enacted

I will censor people that quote the Bible, one line at a time, for their own purposes. It’s a big book, read it all, and once you understand the entire concept, I will listen to your lecture. Until then, I have one for you. Psalms 35:20….look it up.

All hip-hop and rap music will have to be listened to through a personal earpiece, with the volume set at “2”. If we can’t do that, I will abolish it entirely.

There will be a Federal IQ test, and the score will be included on your drivers license. A low score will prohibit you from certain activities. Among these will be voting, using the self-checkout lane, and blogging.

Cell phones will have a new Taser App. If you talk too loud in a public place, you will tase yourself repeatedly.

Public Drunkenness will be decriminalized and renamed “Fun”. Tipping is encouraged.

The Congress shall have no right to control food or beverage intake. Restaurants, however, will be empowered to turn away hideously obese people at their discretion. It’s distracting to the other patrons, plus they hog-up the buffet.

All people will be required to go on a date before their twenty-first birthday. Activities shall include a shower, dressing nicely, dinner, and good manners. This has been lost from our culture, and we suffer for it. Plus, it helps us to learn how to take rejection with aplomb.

Each town square will be required to install a Stock and Pillory device. Offences that could land you their would include littering, wearing flip-flops in public, saying the F-word around girls or listening to Howard Stern.

Every establishment that sells gasoline will be required to have attendants. Their duties will include windshield washing, pumping gas,checking oil, filling tires, and giving directions. They must be cheery. It seems to me that since we had that service at 35 cents a gallon, it’s the least that they can do for us at $3.50.

Until further notice, your tax rate will be based on how nice you are.

Public Schools are hereby stripped of any of the powers that they bestowed upon themselves to interfere with a parents divine right and responsibility to raise their own children. Dress codes are the pervue of the parents. Lunches brought from home and snacks are none of the schools business. Homework is now outlawed, as are school boards.


My personal collection of odd words and expressions

Some things just don’t seem to make any sense. Or do they?

I am interested in words, and expressions that we use, that seem to make no sense. While they make no sense, we all understand them. As a for instance, recently someone used the expression toward me, “You ain’t shit.”

Was I wrong to respond with the words, “Thank You.”?

Here are some other words and expressions that I find curious.

Gyp. My friend Dave recently used the phrase, “What a gyp!” For those who don’t know, this is an expression that denotes low value, or a lack of equity. Today, people tend to say “rip-off.” I prefer gyp. I don’t where “gyp” come from, but who know what a “rip-off,” is either.

Strapper. I recall this word from the sixties. Like “gyp,” it seems to have become passé. Nobody that I know ever had a clear definition, but it seemed to be interchangeable with “jerk,” or “jerk-off.” Clearly, “strapper,” sounds more mysterious, and cool.

Blow smoke up your ass. Generally, we hear this as either, “I’m not trying to blow smoke up your ass,” or “He’s just blowing smoke up your ass.” In either case, it seems to represent a lack of sincerity. Where in the hell did this expression come from? I have never felt so intimate with someone that I would make this invitation, or accept it.

What would be the effect of your ass having smoke blown into it? Would it hurt?

Blow hot air up your skirt. I think that this is another form of the smoke thing. Do women find this sensuous? I don’t know. None have ever requested it, not from me at least.

Out the wazoo. This can be defined as, “a lot,” I’m pretty sure. Although there is no definition for “wazoo,” I suppose that since things come out of it, that it is interchangeable with “ass.” This is a pretty weak conjecture, I will admit. Things also come out of doors, and windows, and no one would interchange them with “wazoo.” It seems to have evolved into a useful all-purpose term, since it is reasonable to have radishes, money, traffic violations, or even relatives, coming out of your “wazoo.”

Although it always sounds disgusting to me, it seems to be appropriate for mixed company.

Candy Ass. This one is a real mystery to me, but it is another made-up word or expression that includes your butt, or it’s purpose. If you said, “he’s a real candy-ass,” you would know that it is an attack on a man’s virility. Why “candy,” though?

I guess it just sounds right. Try anything else, and it misses the meaning. For instance, try “he’s a real claw hammer ass,” or “I won’t play rugby with Bill anymore, he’s too much of a manila folder ass.” Other sweet stuff doesn’t work any better. “Don’t ask Skip, he’s too much of a syrup behind.”

Sick as a dog. I don’t get this one. In the course of a year, everybody I know will have more episodes of sickness than any dog that I have ever been around. For the most part, dogs see getting sick as the activity immediately preceding “kicking the bucket.” This leads me to…

Kick the bucket. If you look it up, there are a couple of ridiculous guesses about where this comes from. One of them includes French pigs, and the other one suicide.That definition seems to demand that everybody that hangs themselves, does so by standing on a bucket. I have heard of many other items used also, but perhaps they lack the poetic resonance of the word “bucket.”I will admit, “He kicked the stump,” or “Did you hear that Sarah kicked the block of ice?” sounds awkward.

Mosey. This seems to be one of those rare words that sound like what it is. Still, I don’t know how to define it well, and there aren’t any reasonable synonyms, with the possible exception of “dawdle.” Although “dawdle,” doesn’t sound like “mosey,” it does sound like what it is, though.

Get it off my chest. How did it get on your chest in the first place, and why there, of all places? It would make more sense to say “I have something I want to get off of my tongue,” but that lacks something, doesn’t it?

I don’t give a rat’s ass. Where did this one originate? Was there a time when kids went around collecting them, for UNICEF or something, and people turned them down? Also, this seems to suggest that the opposite would be a positive, but it sure ain’t. Imagine looking longingly into your lover’s eyes, and telling them, “You’re the kind of girl I could give a rat’s ass to.” It just lacks romance, or worth.

A Shitload. Another in a long line of hiney references. Supposedly, this means “a lot,” or perhaps, “the maximum.” And, you can have a “Shitload,” of anything, which sort of converts shit into something good. For instance, you can have a “Shitload of roses,” or a “Shitload of Hallmark Cards.” You have to be careful mixing this with others though; I don’t think that you can have a “Shitload,” of something, “out the wazoo.”

We seem to have an aversion to saying the word “everything.” In it’s place we have a thousand replacements. For instance, in the place of the word “everything,” or “all,” we choose:

The whole nine yards. (why nine?)

The whole shootin’ match.

The whole enchilada.

The whole ball of wax. (How often do you see wax as a spheroid?)

The whole ball game.

The whole deal.

The whole kit and caboodle (don’t ask.)

The whole shebang (is there a hebang?)

I’ll bet that you can think of some others. If you do, let me know. I’m not trying to blow smoke up your ass, but these expressions are coming out the wazoo.

Perhaps you don’t give a rat’s ass, but I’ll bet there are a Shitload more of these. Maybe we can continue this with, “The Whole Shootin’ Match of odd words and expressions, Part II.

By the way, does anyone know what “shinola,” is?

The New Years Resolutions That You Need To Make

Well, it’s finally here. That wonderful time of the year when I make New Years resolutions for everyone else. It’s a public service, you don’t have to thank me.
20. A 7:00 movie is now required to begin at 7:00. Those who want to see the commercials and previews can show up a half an hour early.
19. Posting boring facts about your mundane life on Facebook, is now considered a crime against humanity.
18. E-mail jokes will now be graded for their level of humor. Those with a score of five or less are forbidden from forwarding. Dirty jokes are excluded from this.
17. If the person in the car next to you at a traffic light is vibrating because of the level of your sub woofer, your car speakers will be removed and given to the Amish.
16. Everyone is required to do the following in 2013, to preserve a sense of balance:
-Read three books.
-Watch three episodes of The Simpsons.
-Try three new foods, one of which must be tofu. Spitting it out doesn’t count.
-Buy three drinks for someone else. One of them has to be me.
15. People who claim to support President Obama have to shut up or give a good reason why. (That should keep them busy.)
14. Being nice will no longer be viewed as a weakness.
13. Giving the finger while driving is important, but is grossly overused. Everyone is now limited to six demonstrations of the finger per year. Use them wisely, but don’t save them all up either. It could make December a really ugly month.
12. If you go to the gym, you are required to sweat.
11. Texting during driving is illegal, so you should knock it off.You might become distracted and hit a small child or more importantly, me. Just as important, texting now is only acceptable if you are alone. You may no longer interrupt the old fashioned method of communication (a conversation) with a text. It’s rude. Teenagers can have their phone demolished if they are found in violation.
10. For those of you that can’t seem to manage the self-check out lines…stay out of them. You are slowing things down for other American’s that are not, um…stupid.
9. To those stores that have self check-out lines, please add a “remedial” lane. That is a more sensitive name than “Self check-out for beginners and morons.”
8. This one seems to need to be added to the list every year. For pet owners: The next time you smile when your dog smells my crotch, I’m going to smell your wife’s.
7. To Republicans: Get over it and stop blaming Obama for everything. He is responsible for a great deal of foolishness, but he didn’t cause potholes and for your daughter being ugly. Toughen up…it’s only another four years.
6. To television stations: All TV executives must resolve to watch HBO for a month. After that, dump all your stupid sitcoms and write stuff like HBO does. You know…interesting stuff. Also, cancel all of your news broadcasts until you are willing to leave your opinion out of it.
5. It is hereby decreed that no conversation can begin with the weather, or your opinion on it. If someone wants to know what you think about weather, or whether you have an interesting weather anecdote, they will ask.
4. Restaurants will now be forced to change their comments on food. Since no restaurant food is healthy (if it were, no one would eat it) food now has to be graded by what people care about, which is how it tastes. For instance…
One star =”tastes like crap, but it’s cheap.”
Three stars= “tastes really good, and is loaded with salt, fat, MSG and six ingredients we can’t pronounce.”
 Five stars =”It tastes so good you won’t care if it kills you.”
3. Every public building will now become a BYOB establishment.
2. People that are grotesquely overweight may not leave the house.
1. In order for people to have their own blog, they must pass an IQ test, and be able to provide proof that more than seven people care about what you say. Therefore, this may well be my last blog.
Happy 2013, try not to mess it up for the rest of us.