1. Beginning at birth, tell your child that they are “Special…more special than the rest.”
2. Send them to a preschool that keeps them away from “the poor people.”
3. Beginning in kindergarten, and lasting until high school, this should be how kids get on the bus in the morning: First, you have to drive them to the bus stop, even if it’s twelve feet away. Once the bus arrives, get out the car and un-strap them yourself. Kiss them at least three times. Once they finally get out of the car, help them on with their book bag. Instruct them to “walk don’t run.” Walk to the bus and tell the driver not to move until he or she is comfortably in their seat. Stand, wave and blow kisses when the bus finally leaves, completely unaware of the thirty-eight cars that are held up. They are just good people trying to get to work.
4. Always tell them to “Make good choices” without saying what they are.
5. Whenever their homework is difficult, do it for them. Use the Internet if necessary.
6. Attend every Parent-Teacher conference with a list of complaints and suggestions. Don’t let the teacher talk at all, as they might bring up something that needs improvement.
7. Be certain that they only take part in sports activities where everyone is a winner, and gets a trophy.
8. Teach them all of your political principles. Let them know that “We are Republicans” or “We are Democrats” and that’s just the way it is.Discourage thought or discussion on the topic.
9. Select their college for them. Do not ask for their opinion. Pay for all of it.
10. Be certain that they always have the latest cell phone. When they are sixteen, buy them a new Volvo and pay for the insurance.
11. Their allowance should be high enough for them to be able to buy drugs.
12. Read their diary, go through their room constantly. Let them know that you do this for their own good. This will teach them how to conceal things at an early age.
13. Have talks with them about sex and drugs. Keep it very superficial. Be sure to tell them that you know that they are a “good boy or good girl,” but that you are suspicious of their friends.
14. Supply them with condoms and other birth control. Do it without conversation.
15. Constantly run down their friends, as being “not good enough for them.”
16. Be sure they never have to walk anywhere.
17. Tell them that they shouldn’t get a job in high school so that they can focus on their studies. Ignore the fact that they spend four hours a day texting, watching YouTube or playing video games.
18. Always ask them “what the cool kids are wearing.” Pick out all of their clothes for them. Don’t express anger when they won’t wear them, or rip holes in $60.00 jeans.
19. Assure them it is OK to pierce their face, get tattoos and turn their hair purple as a way to “express themselves.” Be unaware that they are trying to engage in normal adolescent rebellion, forcing them to raise the bar to something like an overdose.
20. After college, provide a summer-long trip to Europe or Asia so they can “find themselves.”
21. Encourage them to hold out for a job that is worthy of them. While holding out they should live at home for free, and have your credit card. Ignore the fact that they spend eight hours a day texting, watching YouTube, or playing video games.
22. When they create a kid out of wedlock, raise the child for them. Tell them that the other party is unsuitable and ban them from your home.
23. Set Play Dates for your children, up to age 18. Also, attend every birthday party with them, and constantly remind all of the children of the “No Roughhousing” rule.”Roughhousing” is the inclusive word for normal behavior by children.
24. Be available always, and at a moments notice, to stop what you are doing and drive your child somewhere. If necessary, wait around for up to ninety minutes, to drive them back home.
Ripping holes in $60 jeans is still a better option than paying $120 for the ones that already have holes in them.