My campaign promises, in a last ditch effort to be elected Pope.

I have slipped a copy of this to all members of the conclave…wish me luck!

10. Saturday night mass will begin with happy hour, including half price drink specials.

9. Priests and Nuns can marry if they want to (but why would they want to?) Interfaith dating is encouraged.
8. Summertime Sunday wear for priests will include Bermuda shorts, in a variety of colors. In a few years we can progress to strap tee’s.
7. Preaching can be skipped, as long as you post your message on YouTube.
6. During confessions, priests will now be allowed to giggle, or say things like “Are you kidding me?”
5. Penance can now include personal benefits like “Five Hail Mary’s, and you have to caddy for me next Saturday.”
4. Nun’s can now pick more modern names for themselves, like “Sister Sweetlips.”

3. The Pope can now choose more modern ways to be addressed, such as “Capo di tutti capi” or something more simple like “Ace.”
2. To create the feeling of being closer to the little people, Cardinals can now wear baseball caps; black Cardinals can wear them backwards.
1. New Feast Days will be adopted, to include things like Nascar Race Days and SuperBowl Sunday.

Things I Just Don’t Understand.

There are some things I just can’t comprehend. I’m not talking about Quantum Plumbing, or the Medium Sized Bang Theory. I’m talking about everyday stuff that I just don’t get. Here is a partial list:

  1. Microwave Ovens. You push a button, nothing happens, but the popcorn pops anyway. I don’t get it. Shouldn’t something be moving in there, or at least have a little fire going?
  2. Lottery Benefits. When they started the State Lottery, they made a big deal that it was going to “benefit senior citizens.” That was about twenty years ago. When do the benefits begin? I called my Dad, and he said that no one has delivered his Cadillac yet. Perhaps it only benefits senior citizens that win the lottery. Maybe they just said that because they thought the senior citizens would forget about it, and go back to looking for their car keys.
  3. The Electoral College-What the heck do we need this for, nobody gets it anyway. I am proposing a new system. The person with the most votes win, except in Florida, where they are lousy voters.
  4. Plasma Televisions. When I went to school, they told us that plasma had to do with blood. This plasma TV thing is clearly a hoax; I don’t believe for one second that there is blood inside the T.V. somewhere. If there were though, I would guess that they have to keep it secret where they are getting it. Probably from winos.
  5. Police Parking Rules. I see this all the time. Some poor guy gets pulled over by the police. The cop parks his car behind him, halfway into the highway. The police say it for “safety reasons.” Is it just me, or isn’t a little distracting to have a car with 46 flashing lights parked in the middle of the road for the rest of us to gawk at while we are forced to swerve into the other lane?
  6. Unpublished Phone Numbers- How come you have to pay the phone company to not do something for you. This needs to be stopped before it really begins to snowball. Pretty soon, there could be a charge for “Calls not made to the Ukraine during peak hours.”
  7. Megabytes, Gigabytes, etc.- I checked with everybody, even my geeky nephew, and I really can’t get a straight answer on this except for “memory.” If they keep us in the dark, they can just advertise stuff like, “Now with an additional 8MB,” and we’ll say, “Cool, I’ll get that, then.” It seems like this is the same as putting “With Improved Flavor,” on dog food cans. Who is doing that comparison?
  8. Luminaria- Some guy’s lunch bag caught fire on the driveway, and apparently, a jillion people drove by and said, “Golly, that sure makes me think of Christmas. Let’s do that in our driveway.” I don’t get it.
  9. Legal Drinking Age- Anyone who has ever been in a bar, knows that there are people there who shouldn’t be allowed to drink, no matter how old they are. We are going about this all wrong; it should be done by I.Q. We all know that we get a little dumber after a few drinks. You should be able to drink until your I.Q. gets down to around 80 (the point where you turn into a repulsive version of yourself.) If you are only at a 92 I.Q. cold sober, you just don’t get to drink very much. Sorry. This would certainly stop the guys that used to be on the football team from beating me up.

    10. Limbo. The Catholic’s used to have a place called Limbo. I know, because that’s where they said all of us “Publics” would end up. I never minded really, because it sounded like a singles bar. Now they say they don’t have Limbo any more. What did they do with it, and where did they put all of those pagan public babies? They gotta be somewhere, unless you would have me believe that Catholic’s make up stuff like that to scare people.