My All Time Favorite Obituaries.

 

Alphonso Anthony “Lucky Antny” Prosciutto-58.

Lucky Antny “passed away” recently, after a brief illness caused by multiple gunshots to the head, midsection, legs, and backside. Plus, one shot missed. Mr. Prosciutto was found in a dumpster, with his tongue removed, and a rat in his mouth. He was a devoted son that never married, as he could never receive his mother’s approval for a wife worthy of him. In lieu of flowers, donation should be sent to Siciliano Pizza, c/o “the back room.”


Leonard Skelowski- 77

Funeral services will be held Monday at 7 P.M., at the Watchelewski and Sziliczyk Funeral home.

“Lenny,” was a devoted family man, although he spent most holidays at the track.
Donations will be accepted, in the hopes that some of his gambling debts can be settled. The family hopes that his creditors will consider forgiving “the vig.”

 

Patrick Michael Flanagan-66


Funeral services have been delayed for Mr. Flanagan indefinitely.
The crematorium fears a wildfire, until more alcohol has time to evaporate from the remains.
Brendan’s Irish Pub plans to continue the wake, until either Pat dries out, or the family tab gets out of hand. The singing of Danny Boy will continue unabated.
Mr. Flanagan’s “fiancé” has requested that mourners discontinue stopping by his home to pick up mementoes.


If anyone knows where his kids are, it is requested that they be told of the sad news, although “there is nothing in it for them,” according to his fiancé.

William D. Fry, local attorney and noted sorehead. 61

Mr. Fry passed away quite suddenly Tuesday, after being clobbered relentlessly by an entire jury.
Mr. Fry is best known for the marquee type sign outside of his office, which read, “You’re not above the law, but I am.”
His ninth ex-wife is offering $50 to anyone willing to mourn, and $75 to pallbearer’s.

In lieu of flowers, his sixth ex-wife suggests that you keep the money.

Mickey Lombardo- Bounty Hunter and Saxophonist

Mickey “Don’t call me Guy,” Lombardo, had his final wishes fulfilled, when a jealous husband shot him, at age 97.
Mr. Lombardo outlived all five of his wives, and was quoted as saying “sometimes that was harder to pull off than others.”

A beloved father, grandfather, great-grandfather, great-great-grandfather, and godfather to many, he will be missed most by the ladies in their twenties, that called him “Uncle.”

In lieu of flowers, it was his wish that copies of the T.V. show, The Soprano’s, be sent to underprivileged children.

Jonathon Applewoodberry- local rich person, 84


Mr. Applewoodberry, who never worked a day in his life, passed away recently from unknown causes.
He died in his sleep, at Applewoodberry Estates, dressed in his foxing outfit, complete with hat. His beloved riding crop was nearby.
A noted philanthropist, Mr. Applewoodberry was the founder of the “Hounds for the Homeless” Foundation, which gives indigent people a chance to “run with the dogs, in clean country air,” at many Foxing events.

In lieu of flowers, the family has requested cash. (No personal checks.)

The family is still trying to honor Jonathon’s wishes to be buried with his beloved dog, “Mr. Spittles IV”, even though the canine appears to be in good health.
According to his family, that shouldn’t matter, citing their extreme wealth and love for animals.



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