When Walt built Disneyland, he overlooked something. Disneyland is truly a great vacation spot for parents and their young children. Once the kids become teenagers though, it is just another place for them to be miserable. Plus, it’s an awfully expensive place for them to miserable. They complain about the long lines, and call everything stupid, gay, or disgusting. They continuously whine that there are no computers so that they can go on Facebook. They miss their skateboards, and the games where they can pretend to be drug dealers, and “waste cops.” They spend a great deal of time with their nose against their cell phones.
Since you can’t keep them in strollers anymore, it hard to stop them from sneaking up behind Mickey and trying to sit his ears on fire.
Fortunately, I have the solution. If I can get the funding, construction will begin soon, on DennisLand. Here is the plan.
You check in as a family, at a five-star hotel. The parents get a huge and elegant suite, with one king-sized bed. There are no beds for the kids. There are indoor and outdoor pools, saunas, restaurants, and nine different bars. Included in the price is access to the golf course and the riding stables. Upon check in, each kid gets something like a credit card, where all of their charges will be added to your room. You won’t care, because you are about to see the last of them for the rest of your vacation. Let’s face it; they don’t want to be with you any more than you want to put up with them.
The kids are taken from you immediately, and they board a bus to the adjoining buildings. Although they are connected, it is impossible for them to get back to the hotel. That is a promise.
The section of DennisLand that’s for the kids, looks exactly like a Mall. Teenagers are happiest in this setting. Upon entry, each kid is given a skateboard, and a smart phone. Whoopee cushions are optional.
Walking is prohibited, and you have to talk on the cell phone constantly, even if the person that you want to talk to is five feet away.
There are only three different stores in the mall. There is a McDonald’s, a clothes store that only sells black clothes, and a place to get body piercings. If you choose five or more piercings in the same lip or eyebrow, they are all free.
The boys are free to take part in their own activities. There is a big room, filled with nothing but empty bottles and rocks. They soon figure it out. The third level of the mall is reserved for several “spitting balconies.” Another room has nothing but lawn darts and M-80’s. In the huge basement, old people wearing helmets and Kevlar, drive around in cars. Each boy is given six snowballs to throw at them.
There is a room is with nothing but matches and cheap cologne.
In the girl’s section, they can “rent-a-little-brother.” He will give full consent to a makeover. Individual work centers exist, with a computer that only has access to Facebook and iTunes. You also get an ipod, which must be listened to the whole time you are on the computer, talking on your cell phone. There is a room with free make-up of every type, in fifty-five gallon drums. Every girl is issued a kitten.
In the clothing store, there is a special “Slutty Juniors” section.
The common section has a long row of make-out closets, and nerds have been hired for the sole purpose of walking around, to be taunted and beat-up.
There are security officers. The minimum age is 75, and every one has a bad hip. Since they can’t really scare the kids by threatening to throw them out, they have been given permission to hit them with nightsticks. Of course, they’ll never catch them, so they just run around screaming “You little bastids”
A movie theater is attached; the only choices are R-rated movies that feature rap stars, or movies that have the word “Chainsaw” or just “Saw” in the title. Just to piss the kids off, another theater will feature either, “The Sound of Music” or “Benji.” I won’t waste any money and put seats in.
There will be a library, with all fake books. Any kid that notices, wins a free tattoo, but it has to be a Chinese symbol, and go on their neck.
After a few days, the kids will tire of having freedom that they can’t use to make adults miserable, and the parents will be sick of each other. At check out time, all those attractive lip and eyebrow piercings must be removed, and the kids will be dog tired, from staying up all night, or napping on the floor of the mall. They will be disappointed to learn that the tattoos are henna.
The kids are bussed back to their parents, where they will greet each other in some version of:
That was our best vacation ever!