Well, it’s finally here. That wonderful time of the year when I make New Years resolutions for everyone else. It’s a public service, you don’t have to thank me.
20. A 7:00 movie is now required to begin at 7:00. Those who want to see the commercials and previews can show up a half an hour early.
19. Posting boring facts about your mundane life on Facebook, is now considered a crime against humanity.
18. E-mail jokes will now be graded for their level of humor. Those with a score of five or less are forbidden from forwarding. Dirty jokes are excluded from this.
17. If the person in the car next to you at a traffic light is vibrating because of the level of your sub woofer, your car speakers will be removed and given to the Amish.
16. Everyone is required to do the following in 2013, to preserve a sense of balance:
-Read three books.
-Watch three episodes of The Simpsons.
-Try three new foods, one of which must be tofu. Spitting it out doesn’t count.
-Buy three drinks for someone else. One of them has to be me.
15. People who claim to support President Obama have to shut up or give a good reason why. (That should keep them busy.)
14. Being nice will no longer be viewed as a weakness.
13. Giving the finger while driving is important, but is grossly overused. Everyone is now limited to six demonstrations of the finger per year. Use them wisely, but don’t save them all up either. It could make December a really ugly month.
12. If you go to the gym, you are required to sweat.
11. Texting during driving is illegal, so you should knock it off.You might become distracted and hit a small child or more importantly, me. Just as important, texting now is only acceptable if you are alone. You may no longer interrupt the old fashioned method of communication (a conversation) with a text. It’s rude. Teenagers can have their phone demolished if they are found in violation.
10. For those of you that can’t seem to manage the self-check out lines…stay out of them. You are slowing things down for other American’s that are not, um…stupid.
9. To those stores that have self check-out lines, please add a “remedial” lane. That is a more sensitive name than “Self check-out for beginners and morons.”
8. This one seems to need to be added to the list every year. For pet owners: The next time you smile when your dog smells my crotch, I’m going to smell your wife’s.
7. To Republicans: Get over it and stop blaming Obama for everything. He is responsible for a great deal of foolishness, but he didn’t cause potholes and for your daughter being ugly. Toughen up…it’s only another four years.
6. To television stations: All TV executives must resolve to watch HBO for a month. After that, dump all your stupid sitcoms and write stuff like HBO does. You know…interesting stuff. Also, cancel all of your news broadcasts until you are willing to leave your opinion out of it.
5. It is hereby decreed that no conversation can begin with the weather, or your opinion on it. If someone wants to know what you think about weather, or whether you have an interesting weather anecdote, they will ask.
4. Restaurants will now be forced to change their comments on food. Since no restaurant food is healthy (if it were, no one would eat it) food now has to be graded by what people care about, which is how it tastes. For instance…
One star =”tastes like crap, but it’s cheap.”
Three stars= “tastes really good, and is loaded with salt, fat, MSG and six ingredients we can’t pronounce.”
Five stars =”It tastes so good you won’t care if it kills you.”
3. Every public building will now become a BYOB establishment.
2. People that are grotesquely overweight may not leave the house.
1. In order for people to have their own blog, they must pass an IQ test, and be able to provide proof that more than seven people care about what you say. Therefore, this may well be my last blog.
Happy 2013, try not to mess it up for the rest of us.