10. Pretend that the preacher has a head like a chicken. Close your eyes and visualize it. If you do this well, when you open your eyes he will have a head like a chicken, if just for a moment.
9. Do the pew crawl. Climb on your belly under the pews like you are a green beret. Try to set a personal best, and top it next week.
8. Pass a note to a stranger that says “I’m new here. When the money plate comes around, how much am I allowed to take?”
7. About ten minutes in, stand up and say, with great authority, “We will now sing hymn number 327.” Start singing, see how many will join you.
6. Play solitaire. Shuffle the cards as loudly as possible. Every once in while exclaim. “Yeah baby.” Apologize to anyone that makes a face at you.
5. Bring a Bible and a red pen. Start making corrections, and comments in the margins. Don’t worry, someone will notice.
4. Make a mad face and wrinkle your nose, looking around with great disgust. Say “Whew!” a few times. People will recognize this as the universal “who farted?” question.
3. Taking a nap is no good, unless you bring one of those airplane neck pillows. Exhale loudly, and with great frequency.
2. Raise your hand, pumping it with great urgency. If you get called on, say, “According to Ezekiah The Gimp, what you are saying is not not really true is it?” Wait for an answer, which may come before your escorted exit.
1. Move next to a single woman, preferably an old one with a hat. Put your arm around her. In a stage whisper say, “What a bunch of losers, huh. You wanna get out of here?”