Some things just don’t seem to make any sense. Or do they?

I am interested in words, and expressions that we use, that seem to make no sense. While they make no sense, we all understand them. As a for instance, recently someone used the expression toward me, “You ain’t shit.”

Was I wrong to respond with the words, “Thank You.”?

Here are some other words and expressions that I find curious.

Gyp. My friend Dave recently used the phrase, “What a gyp!” For those who don’t know, this is an expression that denotes low value, or a lack of equity. Today, people tend to say “rip-off.” I prefer gyp. I don’t where “gyp” come from, but who know what a “rip-off,” is either.

Strapper. I recall this word from the sixties. Like “gyp,” it seems to have become passé. Nobody that I know ever had a clear definition, but it seemed to be interchangeable with “jerk,” or “jerk-off.” Clearly, “strapper,” sounds more mysterious, and cool.

Blow smoke up your ass. Generally, we hear this as either, “I’m not trying to blow smoke up your ass,” or “He’s just blowing smoke up your ass.” In either case, it seems to represent a lack of sincerity. Where in the hell did this expression come from? I have never felt so intimate with someone that I would make this invitation, or accept it.

What would be the effect of your ass having smoke blown into it? Would it hurt?

Blow hot air up your skirt. I think that this is another form of the smoke thing. Do women find this sensuous? I don’t know. None have ever requested it, not from me at least.

Out the wazoo. This can be defined as, “a lot,” I’m pretty sure. Although there is no definition for “wazoo,” I suppose that since things come out of it, that it is interchangeable with “ass.” This is a pretty weak conjecture, I will admit. Things also come out of doors, and windows, and no one would interchange them with “wazoo.” It seems to have evolved into a useful all-purpose term, since it is reasonable to have radishes, money, traffic violations, or even relatives, coming out of your “wazoo.”

Although it always sounds disgusting to me, it seems to be appropriate for mixed company.

Candy Ass. This one is a real mystery to me, but it is another made-up word or expression that includes your butt, or it’s purpose. If you said, “he’s a real candy-ass,” you would know that it is an attack on a man’s virility. Why “candy,” though?

I guess it just sounds right. Try anything else, and it misses the meaning. For instance, try “he’s a real claw hammer ass,” or “I won’t play rugby with Bill anymore, he’s too much of a manila folder ass.” Other sweet stuff doesn’t work any better. “Don’t ask Skip, he’s too much of a syrup behind.”

Sick as a dog. I don’t get this one. In the course of a year, everybody I know will have more episodes of sickness than any dog that I have ever been around. For the most part, dogs see getting sick as the activity immediately preceding “kicking the bucket.” This leads me to…

Kick the bucket. If you look it up, there are a couple of ridiculous guesses about where this comes from. One of them includes French pigs, and the other one suicide.That definition seems to demand that everybody that hangs themselves, does so by standing on a bucket. I have heard of many other items used also, but perhaps they lack the poetic resonance of the word “bucket.”I will admit, “He kicked the stump,” or “Did you hear that Sarah kicked the block of ice?” sounds awkward.

Mosey. This seems to be one of those rare words that sound like what it is. Still, I don’t know how to define it well, and there aren’t any reasonable synonyms, with the possible exception of “dawdle.” Although “dawdle,” doesn’t sound like “mosey,” it does sound like what it is, though.

Get it off my chest. How did it get on your chest in the first place, and why there, of all places? It would make more sense to say “I have something I want to get off of my tongue,” but that lacks something, doesn’t it?

I don’t give a rat’s ass. Where did this one originate? Was there a time when kids went around collecting them, for UNICEF or something, and people turned them down? Also, this seems to suggest that the opposite would be a positive, but it sure ain’t. Imagine looking longingly into your lover’s eyes, and telling them, “You’re the kind of girl I could give a rat’s ass to.” It just lacks romance, or worth.

A Shitload. Another in a long line of hiney references. Supposedly, this means “a lot,” or perhaps, “the maximum.” And, you can have a “Shitload,” of anything, which sort of converts shit into something good. For instance, you can have a “Shitload of roses,” or a “Shitload of Hallmark Cards.” You have to be careful mixing this with others though; I don’t think that you can have a “Shitload,” of something, “out the wazoo.”

We seem to have an aversion to saying the word “everything.” In it’s place we have a thousand replacements. For instance, in the place of the word “everything,” or “all,” we choose:

The whole nine yards. (why nine?)

The whole shootin’ match.

The whole enchilada.

The whole ball of wax. (How often do you see wax as a spheroid?)

The whole ball game.

The whole deal.

The whole kit and caboodle (don’t ask.)

The whole shebang (is there a hebang?)

I’ll bet that you can think of some others. If you do, let me know. I’m not trying to blow smoke up your ass, but these expressions are coming out the wazoo.

Perhaps you don’t give a rat’s ass, but I’ll bet there are a Shitload more of these. Maybe we can continue this with, “The Whole Shootin’ Match of odd words and expressions, Part II.

By the way, does anyone know what “shinola,” is?