I will censor people that quote the Bible, one line at a time, for their own purposes. It’s a big book, read it all, and once you understand the entire concept, I will listen to your lecture. Until then, I have one for you. Psalms 35:20….look it up.

All hip-hop and rap music will have to be listened to through a personal earpiece, with the volume set at “2”. If we can’t do that, I will abolish it entirely.

There will be a Federal IQ test, and the score will be included on your drivers license. A low score will prohibit you from certain activities. Among these will be voting, using the self-checkout lane, and blogging.

Cell phones will have a new Taser App. If you talk too loud in a public place, you will tase yourself repeatedly.

Public Drunkenness will be decriminalized and renamed “Fun”. Tipping is encouraged.

The Congress shall have no right to control food or beverage intake. Restaurants, however, will be empowered to turn away hideously obese people at their discretion. It’s distracting to the other patrons, plus they hog-up the buffet.

All people will be required to go on a date before their twenty-first birthday. Activities shall include a shower, dressing nicely, dinner, and good manners. This has been lost from our culture, and we suffer for it. Plus, it helps us to learn how to take rejection with aplomb.

Each town square will be required to install a Stock and Pillory device. Offences that could land you their would include littering, wearing flip-flops in public, saying the F-word around girls or listening to Howard Stern.

Every establishment that sells gasoline will be required to have attendants. Their duties will include windshield washing, pumping gas,checking oil, filling tires, and giving directions. They must be cheery. It seems to me that since we had that service at 35 cents a gallon, it’s the least that they can do for us at $3.50.

Until further notice, your tax rate will be based on how nice you are.

Public Schools are hereby stripped of any of the powers that they bestowed upon themselves to interfere with a parents divine right and responsibility to raise their own children. Dress codes are the pervue of the parents. Lunches brought from home and snacks are none of the schools business. Homework is now outlawed, as are school boards.