New Holiday Schedule

The best thing about writing opinion pieces is that you don’t have to deal with “facts” the way that real reporters do. The downside is that it is very difficult to say that you have been misquoted. I have tried this unsuccessfully on several occasions when people have suggested that my opinions, while being foolish, were just stupid.

However, many people will accept as fact anything that is printed or typed. If that were not so, then why do so many believe that Selena left Justin for Elvis and that she is carrying their love child, who will find strength in a yellow sun.

Anyway, back to my opinions. I am making changes to our holidays. Many of them just don’t make sense. For the most part, any Holiday that would not be celebrated without the insistence of Hallmark, is outta here. As a case in point, I recently saw a lovely card ($3.45) in a section called “For my sister’s stepdaughters current boyfriend, on Labor Day.”

Here is the new schedule.

New Years Day. This one can stay, but there is the addition of New Years Day “A” and New Years Day “B”. “A” is for hangover recovery, and you can spend the whole day in bed, guilt free. On New Years Day “B” you participate in all of the traditional New Years Day activities. 

Groundhog Day– This one stays, because of its spiritual value, plus there are no cards for it. Without it, how would we know that spring comes about six weeks after the beginning of February?

Valentines Day– Gone. It’s just too expensive. Plus I’m tired of not getting anything, while my 13-year-old nephew gets a four foot square card that pledges lifetime love from “some girl in his homeroom.”

St. Patrick’s Day– All of the Irish get this as a double paid holiday, and everyone else, particularly Italians, have to buy us presents. Certainly there should be more attention towards God’s chosen people, right? Before you ask, Columbus Day is gone. You shouldn’t celebrate a guy getting lost, plus the whole world smells like garlic for two weeks afterward. 

April Fools Day– This will replace Presidents Day, MLK Day, Arbor Day and  Mischief Night. Any opportunity to goof on your friends is serious business. It is not a day off from work, because you need to be there in order to put up the memo about your bosses impending sex change reversal.

Easter– This one gets to stay because of its obvious importance in the Christian Calendar. Since this is the rare holiday that is on a different day each year, you can use it as a floater, whenever you choose.

Mothers Day– This is the only elective holiday. If you have a great Mother, you must buy her something. If not, you can ignore it. That should improve her performance for next year. 

Memorial Day to July 4th. – These are good days for those who are patriotic or who are devoted to good ol’ summertime fun, like blowing up watermelons. Since these two dates are only about a month apart, they will serve as bookends for summertime hiatus. No work is to occur between those two dates, so make sure your vacation is scheduled for August. No sense in having holidays messing up your vacation.

Labor Day– I like Holidays that celebrate Labor by not working. Perhaps we should consider other days like this. For instance “Be Faithful To Your Spouse Day”, where everyone gets a day to fool around, officially, and get it out of their system. This one might be worthy of a Hallmark Card.

Halloween– This has to go. Just think about it this way. What if someone suggested that you dress up your young children in highly flammable clothes that make them sweat profusely, with masks that block 90% of their vision and send them out to walk around on dark streets, so that they can beg for food that you don’t want them to have, from people you don’t know. 

Thanksgiving to Christmas. Everything is closed between these dates, to cut out all of the shopping injuries, insults and parking lot shootings. This will force Visa and American Express out of business, which I see as good. On Thanksgiving, you have to watch one Christmas movie per hour of football consumption, to try to maintain cosmic balance. All gifts are to be hand-made and easily disposable. Everyone must go caroling at least once, but not at my house.

New Years Eve– Begins December 26th and lasts until the 31st. Any holiday that has a drunk guy in a pointy hat as its poster child deserves more time; a week is probably about right.

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