All I want for Christmas is…

I want people to respond to my “Thank you,” with “You’re welcome.” Yup” is not acceptable. You feelin’ me, kid at Wal-Mart?
I want the phone number of the nice lady in my GPS. She deserves thanks…and gifts.
I want liquor stores to deliver. Better yet, put the liquor stores inside of Wawa.
I want a separate Facebook, just for people that want to post pictures of their cat(s).

I want the President to go on TV and say “I am calling for a special referendum on the Affordable Health Care Bill. Vote Yes to keep it as it is, vote No to scrap it entirely.” 

I want a blue Schwinn bike just like the one I got for Christmas when I was nine. I don’t care that it weighs 135 pounds.

I want a Taser. I promise to use it only on people that park in Handicapped signs that don’t belong there, litterbugs, and racists.

I want all school boards to include at least two students. That’s our best chance at being reasonable.
I want all stupid road signs to be removed. We already know that things get slippery when wet. Also, who are those deer crossing signs for? You can take down the No Smoking signs too. We get it.
I want a redistribution of wealth, based on this system: The richer people should be nicer to the poorer people.
I want 23 year old suburban cops to lighten up with their attitude. You ain’t patrolling on 8 mile.
I want everybody with kids to spend their entire Christmas fund on their own children. Everybody else, your parents, your siblings, your friends will understand.
I want any president with an approval rating below 75% to have to fly commercial.
I want to be in charge of the Universal Christmas music playlist. Also, I will define the dates in which it can be played.
I want to understand what wax beans are.
I want a ban on any more drummers jokes. Banjo players jokes may continue unabated.
I want good will towards all people. For real.
I want socks and underwear for Christmas. Then I can pretend my Mom is still here.

There are some things that I wish for, but accept that they are not really possible. For instance, a ban on rap music and sensible gun control.


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