My campaign promises, in a last ditch effort to be elected Pope.

I have slipped a copy of this to all members of the conclave…wish me luck!

10. Saturday night mass will begin with happy hour, including half price drink specials.

9. Priests and Nuns can marry if they want to (but why would they want to?) Interfaith dating is encouraged.
8. Summertime Sunday wear for priests will include Bermuda shorts, in a variety of colors. In a few years we can progress to strap tee’s.
7. Preaching can be skipped, as long as you post your message on YouTube.
6. During confessions, priests will now be allowed to giggle, or say things like “Are you kidding me?”
5. Penance can now include personal benefits like “Five Hail Mary’s, and you have to caddy for me next Saturday.”
4. Nun’s can now pick more modern names for themselves, like “Sister Sweetlips.”

3. The Pope can now choose more modern ways to be addressed, such as “Capo di tutti capi” or something more simple like “Ace.”
2. To create the feeling of being closer to the little people, Cardinals can now wear baseball caps; black Cardinals can wear them backwards.
1. New Feast Days will be adopted, to include things like Nascar Race Days and SuperBowl Sunday.

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