My personal collection of odd words and expressions

Some things just don’t seem to make any sense. Or do they?

I am interested in words, and expressions that we use, that seem to make no sense. While they make no sense, we all understand them. As a for instance, recently someone used the expression toward me, “You ain’t shit.”

Was I wrong to respond with the words, “Thank You.”?

Here are some other words and expressions that I find curious.

Gyp. My friend Dave recently used the phrase, “What a gyp!” For those who don’t know, this is an expression that denotes low value, or a lack of equity. Today, people tend to say “rip-off.” I prefer gyp. I don’t where “gyp” come from, but who know what a “rip-off,” is either.

Strapper. I recall this word from the sixties. Like “gyp,” it seems to have become passé. Nobody that I know ever had a clear definition, but it seemed to be interchangeable with “jerk,” or “jerk-off.” Clearly, “strapper,” sounds more mysterious, and cool.

Blow smoke up your ass. Generally, we hear this as either, “I’m not trying to blow smoke up your ass,” or “He’s just blowing smoke up your ass.” In either case, it seems to represent a lack of sincerity. Where in the hell did this expression come from? I have never felt so intimate with someone that I would make this invitation, or accept it.

What would be the effect of your ass having smoke blown into it? Would it hurt?

Blow hot air up your skirt. I think that this is another form of the smoke thing. Do women find this sensuous? I don’t know. None have ever requested it, not from me at least.

Out the wazoo. This can be defined as, “a lot,” I’m pretty sure. Although there is no definition for “wazoo,” I suppose that since things come out of it, that it is interchangeable with “ass.” This is a pretty weak conjecture, I will admit. Things also come out of doors, and windows, and no one would interchange them with “wazoo.” It seems to have evolved into a useful all-purpose term, since it is reasonable to have radishes, money, traffic violations, or even relatives, coming out of your “wazoo.”

Although it always sounds disgusting to me, it seems to be appropriate for mixed company.

Candy Ass. This one is a real mystery to me, but it is another made-up word or expression that includes your butt, or it’s purpose. If you said, “he’s a real candy-ass,” you would know that it is an attack on a man’s virility. Why “candy,” though?

I guess it just sounds right. Try anything else, and it misses the meaning. For instance, try “he’s a real claw hammer ass,” or “I won’t play rugby with Bill anymore, he’s too much of a manila folder ass.” Other sweet stuff doesn’t work any better. “Don’t ask Skip, he’s too much of a syrup behind.”

Sick as a dog. I don’t get this one. In the course of a year, everybody I know will have more episodes of sickness than any dog that I have ever been around. For the most part, dogs see getting sick as the activity immediately preceding “kicking the bucket.” This leads me to…

Kick the bucket. If you look it up, there are a couple of ridiculous guesses about where this comes from. One of them includes French pigs, and the other one suicide.That definition seems to demand that everybody that hangs themselves, does so by standing on a bucket. I have heard of many other items used also, but perhaps they lack the poetic resonance of the word “bucket.”I will admit, “He kicked the stump,” or “Did you hear that Sarah kicked the block of ice?” sounds awkward.

Mosey. This seems to be one of those rare words that sound like what it is. Still, I don’t know how to define it well, and there aren’t any reasonable synonyms, with the possible exception of “dawdle.” Although “dawdle,” doesn’t sound like “mosey,” it does sound like what it is, though.

Get it off my chest. How did it get on your chest in the first place, and why there, of all places? It would make more sense to say “I have something I want to get off of my tongue,” but that lacks something, doesn’t it?

I don’t give a rat’s ass. Where did this one originate? Was there a time when kids went around collecting them, for UNICEF or something, and people turned them down? Also, this seems to suggest that the opposite would be a positive, but it sure ain’t. Imagine looking longingly into your lover’s eyes, and telling them, “You’re the kind of girl I could give a rat’s ass to.” It just lacks romance, or worth.

A Shitload. Another in a long line of hiney references. Supposedly, this means “a lot,” or perhaps, “the maximum.” And, you can have a “Shitload,” of anything, which sort of converts shit into something good. For instance, you can have a “Shitload of roses,” or a “Shitload of Hallmark Cards.” You have to be careful mixing this with others though; I don’t think that you can have a “Shitload,” of something, “out the wazoo.”

We seem to have an aversion to saying the word “everything.” In it’s place we have a thousand replacements. For instance, in the place of the word “everything,” or “all,” we choose:

The whole nine yards. (why nine?)

The whole shootin’ match.

The whole enchilada.

The whole ball of wax. (How often do you see wax as a spheroid?)

The whole ball game.

The whole deal.

The whole kit and caboodle (don’t ask.)

The whole shebang (is there a hebang?)

I’ll bet that you can think of some others. If you do, let me know. I’m not trying to blow smoke up your ass, but these expressions are coming out the wazoo.

Perhaps you don’t give a rat’s ass, but I’ll bet there are a Shitload more of these. Maybe we can continue this with, “The Whole Shootin’ Match of odd words and expressions, Part II.

By the way, does anyone know what “shinola,” is?


The New Years Resolutions That You Need To Make

Well, it’s finally here. That wonderful time of the year when I make New Years resolutions for everyone else. It’s a public service, you don’t have to thank me.
20. A 7:00 movie is now required to begin at 7:00. Those who want to see the commercials and previews can show up a half an hour early.
19. Posting boring facts about your mundane life on Facebook, is now considered a crime against humanity.
18. E-mail jokes will now be graded for their level of humor. Those with a score of five or less are forbidden from forwarding. Dirty jokes are excluded from this.
17. If the person in the car next to you at a traffic light is vibrating because of the level of your sub woofer, your car speakers will be removed and given to the Amish.
16. Everyone is required to do the following in 2013, to preserve a sense of balance:
-Read three books.
-Watch three episodes of The Simpsons.
-Try three new foods, one of which must be tofu. Spitting it out doesn’t count.
-Buy three drinks for someone else. One of them has to be me.
15. People who claim to support President Obama have to shut up or give a good reason why. (That should keep them busy.)
14. Being nice will no longer be viewed as a weakness.
13. Giving the finger while driving is important, but is grossly overused. Everyone is now limited to six demonstrations of the finger per year. Use them wisely, but don’t save them all up either. It could make December a really ugly month.
12. If you go to the gym, you are required to sweat.
11. Texting during driving is illegal, so you should knock it off.You might become distracted and hit a small child or more importantly, me. Just as important, texting now is only acceptable if you are alone. You may no longer interrupt the old fashioned method of communication (a conversation) with a text. It’s rude. Teenagers can have their phone demolished if they are found in violation.
10. For those of you that can’t seem to manage the self-check out lines…stay out of them. You are slowing things down for other American’s that are not, um…stupid.
9. To those stores that have self check-out lines, please add a “remedial” lane. That is a more sensitive name than “Self check-out for beginners and morons.”
8. This one seems to need to be added to the list every year. For pet owners: The next time you smile when your dog smells my crotch, I’m going to smell your wife’s.
7. To Republicans: Get over it and stop blaming Obama for everything. He is responsible for a great deal of foolishness, but he didn’t cause potholes and for your daughter being ugly. Toughen up…it’s only another four years.
6. To television stations: All TV executives must resolve to watch HBO for a month. After that, dump all your stupid sitcoms and write stuff like HBO does. You know…interesting stuff. Also, cancel all of your news broadcasts until you are willing to leave your opinion out of it.
5. It is hereby decreed that no conversation can begin with the weather, or your opinion on it. If someone wants to know what you think about weather, or whether you have an interesting weather anecdote, they will ask.
4. Restaurants will now be forced to change their comments on food. Since no restaurant food is healthy (if it were, no one would eat it) food now has to be graded by what people care about, which is how it tastes. For instance…
One star =”tastes like crap, but it’s cheap.”
Three stars= “tastes really good, and is loaded with salt, fat, MSG and six ingredients we can’t pronounce.”
 Five stars =”It tastes so good you won’t care if it kills you.”
3. Every public building will now become a BYOB establishment.
2. People that are grotesquely overweight may not leave the house.
1. In order for people to have their own blog, they must pass an IQ test, and be able to provide proof that more than seven people care about what you say. Therefore, this may well be my last blog.
Happy 2013, try not to mess it up for the rest of us.