It’s time to ban the Boy Scouts. Why? Because they have become the “We will adopt the position of our sponsors” Scouts”. It is no longer about boys at all.

Here are two facts to consider:

1. According to the NY Times “more than 70 percent of local scout troops are chartered by religious groups.”

2. Some boys are gay.

Therefore, it is fair to conclude that the Boy Scouts of America are willing to sell out some of the boys, so that they can retain financial sponsorship of certain “religious” groups. 

It must follow that these sponsors have told the Scouts that if they allow gay scouts or gay scout leaders, they will pull the plug on the finances. 

I say that the Boy Scouts are spineless hypocrites, and their supporters are haters. 

Why in the world would any Christian person think that they are supposed to single out one group of people for exclusion? It is unfair, and in direct opposition to the teachings of Jesus. All you have to do read the “Love one another” sections. Jesus also says interesting cool things like “The Father is in me and I am in you.” It doesn’t continue with the words….except for the gay people.

Of course, we can’t expect the Scout leaders (which includes their Church sponsors) to change their position. They are the problem, and they have taken their position. We can’t expect that anymore than we could expect the leaders of the KKK to say that perhaps they were misguided. 

The change will need to come from outside of the group, from people that believe that excluding people based on their orientation is evil, and will stand up for that fact.

Here are another two things that I consider as facts.

1. Being a Boy Scout is a terrific experience. I treasure my scouting memories.

2. There have been some scout leaders that are pedophiles. They, of course, should be excluded for their crimes. Being gay is not a crime.

My recommendation for the Scouts are as follows:

1. Say what you are: Rename yourselves the Heterosexual Scouts of America. If you are going to exclude people, go all the way.

Or…

2. Support all boys as the children of God that they are. After you do, you can expect your current supporters to run away, and find another group to hate.

What will happen next? You will find support in abundance from those who love all of God’s creatures, regardless of any race, religion or orientation. I believe that. I would become a supporter for sure.

What motivates me to think this way? It’s a simple matter. All I have to do is imagine that I am a young man that is gay, and I want to be a Boy Scout.

I have slipped a copy of this to all members of the conclave…wish me luck!

10. Saturday night mass will begin with happy hour, including half price drink specials.

There are some things I just can’t comprehend. I’m not talking about Quantum Plumbing, or the Medium Sized Bang Theory. I’m talking about everyday stuff that I just don’t get. Here is a partial list:

1. Microwave Ovens. You push a button, nothing happens, but the popcorn pops anyway. I don’t get it. Shouldn’t something be moving in there, or at least have a little fire going?
2. Lottery Benefits. When they started the State Lottery, they made a big deal that it was going to “benefit senior citizens.” That was about twenty years ago. When do the benefits begin? I called my Dad, and he said that no one has delivered his Cadillac yet. Perhaps it only benefits senior citizens that win the lottery. Maybe they just said that because they thought the senior citizens would forget about it, and go back to looking for their car keys.
3. The Electoral College-What the heck do we need this for, nobody gets it anyway. I am proposing a new system. The person with the most votes win, except in Florida, where they are lousy voters.
4. Plasma Televisions. When I went to school, they told us that plasma had to do with blood. This plasma TV thing is clearly a hoax; I don’t believe for one second that there is blood inside the T.V. somewhere. If there were though, I would guess that they have to keep it secret where they are getting it. Probably from winos.
5. Police Parking Rules. I see this all the time. Some poor guy gets pulled over by the police. The cop parks his car behind him, halfway into the highway. The police say it for “safety reasons.” Is it just me, or isn’t a little distracting to have a car with 46 flashing lights parked in the middle of the road for the rest of us to gawk at while we are forced to swerve into the other lane?
6. Unpublished Phone Numbers- How come you have to pay the phone company to not do something for you. This needs to be stopped before it really begins to snowball. Pretty soon, there could be a charge for “Calls not made to the Ukraine during peak hours.”
7. Megabytes, Gigabytes, etc.- I checked with everybody, even my geeky nephew, and I really can’t get a straight answer on this except for “memory.” If they keep us in the dark, they can just advertise stuff like, “Now with an additional 8MB,” and we’ll say, “Cool, I’ll get that, then.” It seems like this is the same as putting “With Improved Flavor,” on dog food cans. Who is doing that comparison?
8. Luminaria- Some guy’s lunch bag caught fire on the driveway, and apparently, a jillion people drove by and said, “Golly, that sure makes me think of Christmas. Let’s do that in our driveway.” I don’t get it.
9. Legal Drinking Age- Anyone who has ever been in a bar, knows that there are people there who shouldn’t be allowed to drink, no matter how old they are. We are going about this all wrong; it should be done by I.Q. We all know that we get a little dumber after a few drinks. You should be able to drink until your I.Q. gets down to around 80 (the point where you turn into a repulsive version of yourself.) If you are only at a 92 I.Q. cold sober, you just don’t get to drink very much. Sorry. This would certainly stop the guys that used to be on the football team from beating me up.

    10. Limbo. The Catholic’s used to have a place called Limbo. I know, because that’s where they said all of us “Publics” would end up. I never minded really, because it sounded like a singles bar. Now they say they don’t have Limbo any more. What did they do with it, and where did they put all of those pagan public babies? They gotta be somewhere, unless you would have me believe that Catholic’s make up stuff like that to scare people.

About one hundred years after the death of Jesus, the Jews living in Jerusalem made their final stand against those who would occupy their holy city. This time it was the Romans.
At first, there was a mere movement, led by Simon bar Kokhba, a militant Jew that refused to fall under the heel of the evil empire. 
Reportedly charismatic, undoubtedly devout, and wise in the ways of war, the bar Kokhba led a rebellion that steadily grew. In the year 132, when the most prominent rabbi in Judea proclaimed that Simon bar Kokhba was the long awaited Messiah, the ranks of the rebels grew more quickly.
They had good reasons.The Romans had destroyed the Temple again., For Jews this was not just a building that had been knocked down. It was the destruction of the only place on earth where they could worship Yahweh God.
We know that for the Jews in Jerusalem one hundred years earlier, the great hope was that when the Messiah came, he would lead them with the sword. He would turn the Romans out of Jerusalem, and would be known for His might.
This is why so many of the Jews missed it, when the Messiah did indeed ride into Jerusalem. There was no white steed, standing up on it’s back legs, front legs churning, while his rider brandished a sword of might, and a crown of gold. No, he came simply, and rode a donkey. 
And so he was missed, by many men and women. Good people, devout Jews who only wanted their city back, and to rebuild their temple so that they could worship their God. 
They had rejected Jesus as the Messiah and accepted bar Kokhba for the similar reasons. Military might, the restoration of their beloved temple, and a land of their own should not be too much to ask from the God that you love, and remain faithful to. 
They wished to shake loose of their foes and the shame of living beneath under culture…again. The Romans had even renamed their country. Judea was now Palestine. Removing the history of a people cuts deeply into their dignity.

My decisions about the Messiah and His will for me will not affect an entire people. But my willingness to go about the work of struggling to discern who He is, and who I am, will make all of the difference for me…for ever and ever.

1 The Harbaugh family has three football coaches. The rest of the family were able to get real jobs.

2. Colin Kaepernick is the first Nevada QB to appear in the Super Bowl. My Uncle Lou was the first guy to have his head stuck in a toilet bowl in Nevada. But like he says, “What happens is Vegas….is usually bad.”

3. In 2004, Janet Jackson exposed her boob at The SuperBowl half-time show. Her brother Michael did not approve, and told all of the 8-year-old boys at his SuperBowl party to “cover their eyes.”

4. The longest kick off return in Superbowl history is 108 yards. This is exactly the same distance that my sister has to run to get to her outhouse.

5.Pittsburgh won four Super Bowls in six years starting in 1974. Starting in 1974, I worked for 6 years at minimum wage.

6. The Detroit Lions have never played in the Superbowl. They have, however, won the “Crime Bowl” every year since 1968.

7. The 49ers were the first team to score more than 50 points in the Superbowl, in 1990. That same year, my brother accrued more than 50 points on his drivers license.

8. In 1971, the Dolphins played in the SuperBowl, without scoring a touchdown. It is reported that several members of the defense scored later, in the parking lot.

9. Bud Grant was the first coach to lose four SuperBowls. This may have prompted the following quote. “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

10. 8 million pounds of guacamole is consumed on Super Bowl Sunday. Ironically, only 43 of the consumers were able to spell it correctly, and thousands pronounce it wrong.

1. In Norway, baby Ground Hogs are hung upside down on an evergreen tree, and covered in tinsel, or in the poorer sections, sauerkraut.

2. In Arkansas and parts of Peru, the Ground Hog is treated with great reverence. On February 2nd, they are given pointy little pope hats to wear. Some people genuflect as they cross in front of them.

3. In Spain, it is known as “el día de la marmota.” They celebrate by having “The Running of the Hogs.” Last year, several people had severe damage to their ankles.

4. The French celebrate by slow-roasting the Ground Hog, in a savory wine sauce. It is known as “Hog Au Vin.”

5. Ireland celebrates the day like this. They form six-man squads to sleep in a cave with the Ground Hog. They drink from sundown the night before until sunrise on the 2nd. The hog is permitted to drink, but it is not mandatory. At sunrise, they try to figure out which one of them is the Ground Hog. 

6. In New York’s trendier districts, the animal is called a Whistlepig, except in the Jewish sections where it is known as a Wood Chuck. There is a small parade, to raise awareness for freedom of choice in sexual orientation for all rodents.

7. The University of California at Berkeley continues to hold their annual sit-in, calling for an end of the abuse of shadows without their consent.

8. Del Rio, Texas ends their Chili Competition Season, with Ground Hog Chili. The animals must be hunted with guns or cars. Free-Range and Organic Hogs are exempt.

9. Canadians celebrate by coloring baby Ground Hogs and hiding them around the house, for their children or their cats to find. Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrate this day, because the Bible doesn’t directly mention the coloring of rodents.

10. In Punxsutawney, Pa., there is some sort of ritual wherein the Ground Hog can either forecast the weather, or call for an immediate end to winter. The details of this are rather sketchy.

Alphonso Anthony “Lucky Antny” Prosciutto-58.

Lucky Antny “passed away” recently, after a brief illness caused by multiple gunshots to the head, midsection, legs, and backside. Plus, one shot missed. Mr. Prosciutto was found in a dumpster, with his tongue removed, and a rat in his mouth. He was a devoted son that never married, as he could never receive his mother’s approval for a wife worthy of him. In lieu of flowers, donation should be sent to Siciliano Pizza, c/o “the back room.”

Leonard Skelowski- 77

Funeral services will be held Monday at 7 P.M., at the Watchelewski and Sziliczyk Funeral home.

“Lenny,” was a devoted family man, although he spent most holidays at the track.
Donations will be accepted, in the hopes that some of his gambling debts can be settled. The family hopes that his creditors will consider forgiving “the vig.”

Patrick Michael Flanagan-66

Funeral services have been delayed for Mr. Flanagan indefinitely.
The crematorium fears a wildfire, until more alcohol has time to evaporate from the remains.
Brendan’s Irish Pub plans to continue the wake, until either Pat dries out, or the family tab gets out of hand. The singing of Danny Boy will continue unabated.
Mr. Flanagan’s “fiancé” has requested that mourners discontinue stopping by his home to pick up mementoes.

If anyone knows where his kids are, it is requested that they be told of the sad news, although “there is nothing in it for them,” according to his fiancé.

William D. Fry, local attorney and noted sorehead. 61

Mr. Fry passed away quite suddenly Tuesday, after being clobbered relentlessly by an entire jury.
Mr. Fry is best known for the marquee type sign outside of his office, which read, “You’re not above the law, but I am.”
His ninth ex-wife is offering $50 to anyone willing to mourn, and $75 to pallbearer’s.

In lieu of flowers, his sixth ex-wife suggests that you keep the money.

Mickey Lombardo- Bounty Hunter and Saxophonist

Mickey “Don’t call me Guy,” Lombardo, had his final wishes fulfilled, when a jealous husband shot him, at age 97.
Mr. Lombardo outlived all five of his wives, and was quoted as saying “sometimes that was harder to pull off than others.”

A beloved father, grandfather, great-grandfather, great-great-grandfather, and godfather to many, he will be missed most by the ladies in their twenties, that called him “Uncle.”

In lieu of flowers, it was his wish that copies of the T.V. show, The Soprano’s, be sent to underprivileged children.

Jonathon Applewoodberry- local rich person, 84

Mr. Applewoodberry, who never worked a day in his life, passed away recently from unknown causes.
He died in his sleep, at Applewoodberry Estates, dressed in his foxing outfit, complete with hat. His beloved riding crop was nearby.
A noted philanthropist, Mr. Applewoodberry was the founder of the “Hounds for the Homeless” Foundation, which gives indigent people a chance to “run with the dogs, in clean country air,” at many Foxing events.

In lieu of flowers, the family has requested cash. (No personal checks.)

The family is still trying to honor Jonathon’s wishes to be buried with his beloved dog, “Mr. Spittles IV”, even though the canine appears to be in good health.
According to his family, that shouldn’t matter, citing their extreme wealth and love for animals.

1. Verizon DSL….The Internet for people with all the time in the world.

2. Buy a Prius…It’s a car that even fat people can outrun.

3. Slimquick Ultra Fat Burner…Because you’ll do anything to get out of going to the gym.

4. Eat at McDonalds….It might remind you of food.

5. Budweiser…Be a man. Buy a case before your wife gets your paycheck.

6. Geico….If we didn’t spend so much on all those cool commercials, we could actually save you some money.

7. Try a Red Bull. You’ll find yourself climbing ladders for no apparent reason.

8. Support a Vietnamese family for two months…Buy a pair of Nike’s.

9. Apple…Think different…as long as you think like us. Be an Apple drone.

10. Coca-Cola, You can’t beat the real thing…so we don’t bother putting anything real in it.